Less than an hour until the polls close...

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... and I'm soooooo confused. I was out of town last Thursday through Sunday, and when I returned there were 17 messages on my phone from the likes of Pete Wilson, Dick Ackerman, Hillary Clinton, someone yammering about Jessica's Law, the Nguyen running for an OC school board seat and his partner in crime David Boyd, Wendy Leece (Costa Mesa City Council), Ben Stein, Alan Mansoor (Costa Mesa CC), sheriff's lieutenant Ron Cunningham (from which sheriff's agency, Lordy knows), "Don't Call Me" Shirley Freeman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Matt Fong (remember him?), someone telling me to join all these prominent Republicans in support of Propositions 1A-1E and firefighter Randy Hamilton (from which fire agency, Satan knows).

Oh, but the worst was this morning, election day, at 6:20 a.m.: a pre-recorded call from someone representing the California Nurses Association. Now, I was with the nurses when they bucked the Governator in the last election because: a) their uniforms I regard as the most sexy on all the fetish sites, and b) they bucked the Governator in the last election. But, fuck me: 6:20 A.M.!!! You are now toast in my house: I will forever more vote the opposite of whatever you are supporting.

Bitches.

But here's the confusing part: some callers seemed to be speaking for or against candidates and measures that other members of their party were giving the exact opposite endorsement for. Like, I think I've heard or seen two different firefighters on opposite ends of Proposition 87, the one that fucks with the oil companies. Moveon.org tells my household that a Democratic mailer we may have received included endorsements for non-Democratic candidates. I think I know two of those candidates: a mailer to my household from the Orange County Democratic Party says an earlier mailer (which I must've tossed with the Victoria's Secret catalog--okay, that's a lie; I NEVER throw out the Victoria's Secret catalog) that said the party endorses Alan Mansoor and Wendy Leece for Costa Mesa City Council was a BIG FAT STINKIN' LIE!!!

Methinks their rivals Bruce Garlich and Mike Scheafer were behind it; how better to kill two Costa Mesa council rivals than to brand them as yucky Democrats? Sure enough, I got a later mailer from the Republicans saying they back Scheafer. But another mailer from big-time OC GOP bigwig--that's GOT to be a wig--John Moorlach, backs Mansore and Wendy Looney Tunes. To add further confusion, my local firefighters and cops stroke "Republican" Scheafer in yet another mailer.

The moral of the story: GADZOOKS, I gotta get in the mailer business!

It gets confusinger: Mailers sent to my home backing Democrats--I'm talking ones with Phil Angelides for Governor; John Garamendi for Lieutenant Governor; Debra Bowen for Secretary of State; John Chiang for Controller; Bill Lockyer for Treasurer; Jerry Brown for Attorney General; Cruz Bustamante for Insurance Commissioner; Mary Christian-Heising for State Board of Equalization; Dianne Feinstein for U.S. Senator; Jim Brandt for U.S. Congress; Paul Lucas for State Assembly--two of them back Garlich and Scheafer for the Costa Mesa council.

Maybe the Democrat party is confused?

No wonder: their mailers say to vote for Sheila Hanson for Superior Court Office 4, Jim Moreno for Coast Community College District board and yes on Measure M; so do the many Republican mailers I received, although one does tab Ruben Ross for the college district post. The Democrat mailers are just as confusing with the state ballot initiatives: They all say yes to Props. 1A-E (so do the Republicans), but one says no on Prop. 83, while another doesn't mention it at all. They all have the same line on the rest except 87; dissed by other Demo mailers, another—complete with pictures of happy backers Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer (a.k.a. the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)--urges a yes vote.

The Republican fishwraps sent to Casa de Coker aren't much clearer. Ahnuld is not mentioned in one that gives nods to all the other statewide Republican candidates. Steve Poizner for insurance commissioner is not mentioned in one, Claude Parrish for state Treasurer, Michelle Steele for state board of equalization, Tom McClintock for lieutenant governor, Bruce McPherson for secretary of state and Chuck Poochhigian for attorney general are not mentioned in others. But Tony Strickland for state controller gets a nod in all of them, as does Van Tran for Assembly. Why? Because they cleaned up their rooms AND set the table!

The GOP junk mail gives conflicting picks for Superior Court: Sheila Hanson (also picked in the Dems!) and Lyle Robertson. Jim Moreno for Coast Community College District board also turns up in both parties' mailers, while the Republicans mostly back Serene Stokes and Judy Franco for Newport-Mesa schools board, although Kimberly Clark, the tissue paper magnate, gets one GOP nod.

The proposition endorsements are fairly consistent, although Prop. 88 does get nos and yesses in different mailers. But, just when I thought I had clear instructions, along comes a fax to the office from the California Republican Assembly claiming the "Yes on 1A-E" campaign violates federal elections laws.

Yessiree, folks, Republicans ratting out Republicans.
God bless America!


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