Who at the Los Angeles Times got the idea of allowing moron extraordinaire Joel Stein to pen an anti-war column? We've always loathed Stein, a man whom some enjoy for his inane banter and those of us with a shred of intellect feel is the Times worst editorial decision since putting sports stories on the Web. But after reading Stein's Jan. 24 column, in which he called people who oppose the Iraq War but support the troops "wussy," we at least respected his choice to finally grow balls.

Cue Hugh Hewitt, emasculator of pussies.

On his radio show that very day, Hewitt embarrassed Stein (Listen here if you want to cringe in a way you haven't cringed since seeing Heather Graham's late TV show). The conservative blogosphere summarily applauded Hewitt's performance, but we want to point out that exposing Stein as a know-nothing smarm-ass takes about as much effort as cutting paper with a paper shredder. Nevertheless, anyone who screws with Stein earns our respect. And advice to Times opinion editor Andres Martinez: de un mexicano al otro, no dejes a pendejos hacer el trabajo de un hombre. ¿Y dónde dejaste la tequila?

Dunno what they put in the boba in Garden Grove and Westminster, but something's gotta explain why its geriatric gabacho elected officials say the darndest things about Vietnamese. In September, GG councilmember Harry Krebs had to apologize after telling councilwoman Janet Nguyen he couldn't explain his position in Vietnamese. Now we have Westminster Mayor Margie Rice telling the Los Angeles Times that she doesn't support changing the name of tiny Moran Street to that of legendary newspaper publisher Yen Do because "This is America, not Vietnam. You've got to draw the line somewhere." Councilmember Frank Fry chimed in by claiming Do "helped the Vietnamese community; he's done a lot for them, but as far as the city goes, he hasn't done anything for the city." So Do hasn't done nothing for Westminster, Short Fry? If it wasn't for the vision and drive of Vietnamese refugees like Do, Westminster would still be bogs and vacant lots. Really, what else is there in Westminster that's not Little Saigon besides a cemetery, lame Gothic letttering on street signs and a school board trustee with the fantabulous surname Woodcock? Nada (we'd say "no" in Vietnamese at this point, but my ex-girlfriend never taught me anything in Vietnamese besides "Thank you" and "One chicken sandwich"). And Margie sure doesn't have a problem with Vietnamese culture in America when it's election time.

If you read Monday's Los Angeles "By God" Times Business section (and why would you?), you might've choked on your French Roast when you came on C3's three-quarter page advert announcing the California Bear is missing from the state flag. The gloomy gray gus informed that the Grizzly "grew tired of special elections and old promises," that it "went into hibernation waiting for progress to alleviate high taxes and high business costs," that "changes were too few and too slow."

Make no mistake, Boo-Boo: this was not your av-er-age bear hungering for a pic-a-nic basket: He/she/it "struggled with California's high workers' comp costs" and "was frightened of skyrocketing property costs" and was "spooked by less reliable energy supplies and costs."

It's enough to make a Grizzly render him/herself extinct. Oh, that's right: California hunters already took care of that.

According to the ad, which also appeared in the Sacramento Bee, the bear was last seen "leaving California . . . to survive and thrive. Report leads or information to: MissingBear.com"

Your Favorite Grizzly Man Wind-Up felt duty bound to travel the great wide world wide web to this site, but what we discovered was actually less illuminating than the print ad. A page popped up with the headline "Breaking News Report" and this announcement:

Officials report today, the bear on California flags is missing. Sources say that the bears grew tired of special elections and old promises. They went into hibernation waiting for progress to alleviate high taxes and high business costs. Changes made were too few and too slow.

Reports say the bears struggled with California's high Workers' Comp costs. They were frightened by skyrocketing property costs and spooked by less reliable energy supplies and costs.

Below it was a cut out of a cow. Click on it and you get a similar "Breaking News Report":

Officials report today, the cows that once covered California's hillsides have vanished. Sources are saying that the cows grew tired of special elections and old promises. They heard it all waiting for progress to alleviate high taxes and high business costs. Changes made were too few and too slow.
Reports say the cows struggled with California's high Workers' Comp costs. They were frightened by skyrocketing property costs and spooked by less reliable energy supplies and costs.

But the centerpiece was a video link to a fake news report that would make the writers of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report on Comedy Central cringe that anyone might mention them in the same breath. About the only thing clever about the mock Channel 9/KMUV report were the opening graphics that looked like something off the Fox News Channel cutting room floor. This was followed by a fake anchor announcing with alarm that the bear has left the state flag; at least his report was fair and balanced enough to note that environmentalists will tell you grizzlies disappeared 100 years ago. He then throws it to the doe-eyed fake reporter in the field, and concludes with the fake biologist talking head explaining conditions in California did not benefit the image of a bear on a flag.

Oh, in case you're wondering, the bottom of MissingBear.com does feature this disclaimer in small print:

Hey, this missing report isn't really real. You know that . . . right?

Whaaathe . . . it ain't? Mercy. You guys got us! Paint us more fooled than a governor who thinks he has the popularity to force an expensive special election on people who can see right though his silly-ass shit.

We're such maroooons!

By the way, that's it for the site. No links to other pages telling you who is really behind it and what their agenda really is. Guess you'll just have to keep tuning back in, or wait until you catch their next ad the next time you're reading the Los Angeles "By God" Times Business section (and why would you?).

But based on what you can gather from all this, it is very rich with irony. Where to start? Let's start with the California flag: White background. Red star appropriated from the lone star of Texas (?!). Brown grizzly bear lumbering along over red letters spelling out "California Republic." Thick red bar across the bottom. The flag hearkens back to the Bear Flag Revolt.

Mexicans ruled the state in the early 1800s--which is funny when you consider the same folks who want to roll our culture back to the early 1800s also want to kick out the Mexicans. Just as it does now, Mexico didn't pay much mind to its far-flung northern possession (we are possessed by Mexico, right Gilchristians?), and Americans like young Richard Henry Dana (hey, let's name a Point after him!) sailed trading ships that did business with Native Americans along the coast. And then we slaughtered them. And then we resurrected them and gave them casinos.

But enough about them; let's get to the folks who really count (in state textbooks anyway): American settlers (code for "whiteys") in the Sacramento Valley revolted in June of 1846 and raised the "Bear Flag" over Sonoma, establishing the California Republic. That ended the 22-year existence of the Territory of Alta California recognized by the 1824 Constitution of Mexico--which means if some Mexican would just raise a new flag over Sonoma their reconquista of Alta California would be complete. See, those coyotes and Latino Studies departments are so unnecessary!

Interesting historical side note: the original flag with a golden California grizzly was said to have been designed by a nephew of Abraham Lincoln. It's been passed through the Familia de Clockwork that we, too, are related to Lincoln, on our dear mother's side. Of course, it's been passed through every whitey, er, Anglo-American family that they're somehow related to Honest Abe. But we've also apparently got bloodlines to Lady Di, Tug McGraw and Godfrey Cambridge!!!

But enough about us (as fascinating as that subject is); the California Grizzly Bear (Ursus californicus), the largest and most powerful carnivore, thrived in the big valleys (Heath! Jerrod!) and low mountains of the state. When humans began gettin' it on, makin' ever more humans, the grizzly stood its ground, refusing to retreat in the face of our cancer-like sprawl. So we tracked down and killed every last one of 'em. By 1922, the grizzlies were extinct. Nostalgic, perhaps, we made 'em the official state animal in 1953 (barely nudging out the Puggle). They call that progress on the Los Angeles "By God" Times Business page, baby!

So, to recapt: according to that California un-business-friendly ad,
people who snuck into the state and took root (is it not still illegal just because the government at the time is not paying attention? And which government are we referring to again?) raised a flag emblazoned with the symbol of a great animal that would take no shit from anyone--until those same settlers and their spawn killed off every last one of those great bears in the name of progress. And now that dead symbol has gone missing. Shit, if it had a lawyer, it'd be suing our butts for keeping it on the flag!

The ironicals don't end their, my friendlies. If you go here you'll discover the following:

The Bear Pride Flag is a symbol used by some "bears," gay men marked by an abundance of hair on their face, chest, and body. Bears also tend to be older, and perhaps larger or chubby. There does not seem to be one single symbol that represents bears in general. Rather, there are many symbols that have been adopted by local clubs, bars, and other bear groups.

Hell, maybe your Favorite Fabulous Limp Wristwatch has got it all wrong: perhaps those are big hairy gay men scaling the hills to the east to escape this state's high workers' comp costs, dwindling energy supplies and knuckleheads constantly mistaking them for Bruce Vilanch.

Apparently, the Bear Pride Flag League is not to be confused with the Bear Flag League, which is a consortium of conservative bloggers--current or driven-over-the-east-hills-former residents of the Golden State, whose web ring helps them cope with "living awash in a sea of Liberals." As to be expected, MissingBear.com is a big hit with some of these Righties, as evidenced by Free Republic chatters. One astute responder, who perhaps read Paul Brennan's October 2003 Weekly cover story The Last Bear (and why would you?) wrote to counter someone who claimed the bear on the flag, missing or not, is a brown bear, not a grizzly:

The bear on the California State flag is a grizzly. And is now extinct within the state. The last grizzly in Orange County, where I grew up, was killed in the 1920s. Shot somewhere around Saddleback mountain in the Cleveland National Forest.

But for balance, we should also mention that someone else claims a worker for William Randolph Hearst killed the last grizzly up north. Another spotted a bear on Wall Street. (Cue rim shot!) Donald Rumsfeld fan adds, "Good riddance, I say!" That's actually a recurring theme with the conservatives. One explains that's why pilots in Alaska carry rifles that are literally "loaded for bear."

This Right's War on Yogi may also explain why the host of the aforementioned Colbert Report is constantly including bears--"godless killing machines without a soul"--in his "Threat-Down" segments. After all, Colbert is just barely mocking the O'Reillys and Limbaughs of the world. And don't forget: it's the Red Chinese and New York Jew Media that's sooooo infatuated with pandas.

Uh-oh . . . this just in (and not from Channel 9/KMUV): California Insider reports that MissingBear.com is NOT an offshoot of the Bear Pride Flag League, Bear Flag League, Free Republic, Steven Colbert or even Bruce Vilanch; it's registered to a Reno public relations firm that has done campaigns trying to lure businesses to relocate in Nevada . . . where the missing bear will be there waiting for you.

Fuck him; he deserved to die!

The other day, while getting the website that mirrors your favorite OC alt.-weekly pub ready for ya'all, Clockworken noticed something interesting upon opening Gustavo Arellano's popular column !Ask a Mexican! (Special Cesar Chavez Edition). Along the top of the virtual page was a Google advertisement inside a rectangular box, but upon opening El Mex the copy inside changed. Gone were the previous product-hawking sites, which we can't recall at this moment due to a weekend spent swimming with a worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle, but we do recall the new text, which directed readers to sites to trace your ancestry, read a Pew Trust analysis on how many people are trying to migrate to the U.S. legally, and . . . wait for it . . . save our borders!!! Yep, just pop into the Stop Illegal Immigrants site, sign the online petition in their knuckle-scarred clutches and our borders will be saved. This seemed very odd to us here in the left-leaning, let-'em-all-in advocatin' world of OC alt.-weekly journalism (at least pre-New Times OC alt.-weekly journalism; who knows where the hell we stand now?). Seeing that ad proved to be such a rib-tickler that we stuck our head out the door, shouted out into the newsroom, "Got an important call," shut the door and pretended to actually do real work, when what we really did was spend the next coupla hours seeing what other interesting advertising Googlizations got attached to this week's batch of Weekling articles.

Some matches were as you'd expect. A link to a site that shares the secrets of getting sponsored by a skateboard company came up with Theo Douglas' story on the Placebo Skateboard (which you can either skate in the water or surf on land; we never did quite figure that out, which ain't Theo's fault. Comprehendin's hard!). Douglas' Trendzilla column on tattooist Ed Don Hardy or Don Ed Hardy or Laurel & Hardy (see comprehendin's hard!) having his style Von Dutchitized drew links to sites hawking tattoos, tee shirts, a tattoo eBook and Orange County Choppers swag. Links to Nirvana mp3s, posters and boxed sets came up with the music feature on Dale Crover (no Melvins or Altamont, though), while Rex Reason's Hits! column, which lists the top sellers at a rotating roster of record shops, directed readers to underground Hip Hop, free Hippity-Hop downloads and "luxury velor sets." 'Cause that's how we roll in Irvine, yo!





We hoped something shocking would come up whenever we called up the Savage Love sex-advice column, but all we got the 47 times we tried (one handed!) was a plea to help Hurricane Katrina victims. Stupid, stupid Hurricane Katrina victims, messing up our jollies-gettin'-offin'! Of course, the hurricane did BLOW into town, and Savage-advice seekers do their fair share of . . . okay, even the Great DePalma wouldn't repeat that one. No, the biggest shocker of all came with Commie Girl. It linked to a Santa Monica dance club, blended iced coffees, a bartender school and All About "You" Events. That's not the surprise, because like most of Rebecca Schoenkopf's extremely well-read, back-of-the-book columns, this one dealt with drinking, socializing and All About "You" Events, if by "You" you mean "Rebecca Schoenkopf." No, the shocker was the Google ad that ran down the side of her column for Rabbi Tsatreer Lev, "a conservative rabbi for your Bris." This was one of the few Commie Girls where Rebecca did not mention she's half Jewish; how the heck did the Google-izer know?

Okay, Newport's fine, but there must be Satanic snowballs somewhere. Today, the Transportation Corridor Agencies announced a 30-day delay on their choice of alignments for the Foothill-South toll road extension. The TCA board voted 12-3 for the delay mere hours after its staff received a letter from Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's "top resources and transportation advisors," according to the San Diego Union Tribune. Secretary of the California Resources Agency Mike Chrisman and Secretary of the Business, Transportation and Housing Agency Sunne Wright McPeak co-signed the letter, requesting "additional time for the administration to review comments and concerns" raised by state departments, among others. One such concern is, no doubt, the opinion of Attorney General Bill Lockyer that the State Parks and Recreation Commission has a "pretty solid case" against the TCA. Then again, California Senate Majority leader Dick Ackerman (R-Tustin) has threatened to oppose any effort to stop the toll road. He must be destroyed. Then there are those toll-road sycophants who do a fairly decent job of destroying themselves, such as TCA board member and Lake Forest Mayor Peter Herzog, who told KNBC/Channel 4, "This is a road in dire need of being built. The governor said he wants things to be built." This latest twist should only come as a surprise to those who neglected to read "The Year In the 241, The Year in Doing Nothing," Dec. 29 2005.

Your favorite Too Lazy to Bother With Confirmin' Timekeeper passed along two, count 'em, two hoaxes to our dear reader, er, readers in yesterday's Clockwork.

But first, introductions are in order: GOP Jay meet Victor Infante. Victor, Jaybird.

Victor, as longtime readers know, is our dearly departed frequent Weekly contributor. No, he's not dead but he's the next closest thing to it: an East Coaster. (Sorry, Victor, couldn't resist.) When he wasn't getting married in the middle of the Weekly's world headquarters, Victor used to pump out copy about OC's crappy animal-control facilities, Libertarian politics (he is Libertarian Boy, after all), and most notably poetry/spokeword (he is a notable poet/spokenwordist, after all).

Victor still contributes whenever (Lee Mallory Alert!) Newport Beach love poet Lee Mallory hunts him down to promo one of his many, many, many local readings (which you must experience before you die; like Pageant of the Masters! In fact, very, very much like Pageant of the Masters).

Anyway, Victor, who is all about the accuracy (which is on a page somehow strangely missing from the Funk & Clockwork Dictionary), alerts to inform that our item on George Carlin, which GOP Jaybird dutifully sent to us, is based on a hoax. Take it away, Vickie:

Here's the scoop.

Origins: In May 1998, Jeff Dickson posted the "Paradox of Our Time" essay to his Hacks-R-Us online forum, loosing it upon the Internet. The essay has since been attributed to comedian George Carlin, an unnamed Columbine High School student, and that most prolific of scribes, Anonymous.

George Carlin very emphatically denied he had had anything to do with "Paradox," a piece he referred to as "a sappy load of shit," and posted his comments about being associated with this essay on his own web site.

Bloggingly yours,

V.-

Oh, but that was just the first of two hoaxes we virtually vomitted to the masses (if by "masses" you mean "3 hits a day"). We also told you about the email that spread through our office, alarming our lead-foot contingent, that the CHP was going to help balance our state's unbalanced budget by writing speeding tickets like there's no tomorrow in South County (which, come to think of it . . . never mind).

Well, someone else who's all about the accuracy, our fearless leader Will Swaim, calmed staff nerves this morning by informing us, Yes Virginia, that, too, is based on a hoax. See this.

The moral of the story: Don't believe everything you read, especially, erm, what you're reading right now.

THIS, TOO, IS BASED ON A HOAX. SEE THIS, AND GEORGE CARLIN'S OWN TAKE ON IT HERE.
Our dear friend GOP Jay sent this the other day. Meant to share with ya-all then, just stumbled on it in our in-box, so here it is now. The only thing that makes us wonder if it's a hoax is the bit where George Carlin allegedly says we "pray too seldom." We've always known Carlin to be an atheist, at least he was back in his heyday in the '70s when he was a God to kids like us and GOP Jay. 'Course, he coulda changed, especially considering . . . well, just read on.

GEORGE CARLIN POST 9-11 (His wife recently died...) Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent ... and so very appropriate post 9-11?

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
--George Carlin

Mark Taggatz, who identifies himself as the president of a company called Aquentium, Inc., has invited the Weekly to Palm Springs at the end of this month for Media Day-Housing Invention for Disaster Relief. "We will be unveiling our newly developed housing solution for disasters," Taggatz writes. "Our patented technology is a re-deployable house utilizing a 20-foot shipping container. The unit offers over 450 square feet of space, complete with a living room, 2 bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom, and all utilities." The big question is, given her recent troubles affording housing in Stanton (see our Jan. 6 cover story and the letters reacting to that story this Thursday), will the mortgage for that even be too much for Commie Girl? And speaking of Commies: "Truly revolutionary!" is how Che Taggatz tags his product. "This invention is designed to eliminate the chaos that exists from such catastrophic events like Hurricane Katrina, the Tsunami in Thailand, and the Earthquake in Pakistan." Yeah, yeah, we gotcha Marky-Mark. But when it comes to Orange County disasters, we here at Clockwork think immediately of snake-bitten Laguna Beach. Can anyone else picture one of these 20-foot shipping containers a-rumbling and a-tumbling down a steep hill during one of their yearly post-fire season mudslides? And shame on whoever just said it'd be worth it if it took out a hippie!

On the bight side: just think of how many immigrant families you could cram into one!

IT TURNS OUT THE FOLLOWING ITEM IS BASED ON A HOAX THAT BEGAN IN NEW JERSEY. SEE THIS. SO SPEED AWAY, SOUTH COUNTY DRIVERS!
This just made the rounds in the OC Weekly e-mail-ery, not that all of us have lead foots here. Just most of us.

Consider yourselves warned:

California Highway Patrol will launch a 30-day speeding ticket frenzy in South Orange County starting January 25, 2006. The state estimates that 22 million dollars will be generated in speeding tickets. 3 million will go to pay California Highway Patrol officer overtime. There will be 90 California Highway Patrol officers on duty at all times patrolling the 7 freeways. They are the following: 73, 55, 133, 241, 57, 5, 605 freeways. Now 7 mph above the limit can justify a ticket and every California Highway Patrol officers is supposed to pull a car over and write a ticket every 10 minutes. They have issued 50 brand new unmarked Crown Victoria cruisers and they are bringing all their part timers on full time. If you live or work in South Orange County you must take one of their freeways. It's up to you how fast you are doing when they do. This is a test by the CHP to raise the extra funds for the State of California. The wealthy folks of South Orange County can afford this new tax.

See, the rich are just like you and me. Only they can afford to pay their speeding fines.

Already sorely in need of more screens showing art films and independent cinema, Orange County has just lost 10 more. Edwards Park Place at Michelson Drive and Jamboree Road in Irvine shut down effective immediately. Regal Cinemas, which owns the Newport Beach-based Edwards chain, apparently received an offer it could not refuse for Park Place, which essentially became the "second-run" theater for artsy/indie/Miramaxy/Weinsteiny films after they'd concluded their turns at nearby Edwards University across from UCI in Irvine and Edwards South Coast Village in Santa Ana, across the street from South Coast Plaza. No word on what will become of the Park Place space, which is in a thriving retail center in dire need of more parking. Of course, it was apparent to us the center needed more parking only when we went to Park Place to see a movie. But there are big plans afoot for that entire section of the city, which has already become more cluttered with high-rise office towers and one of those high-scale, multi-story, apartment-home complexes. Fortunately, the freeway flyers who reside in those stucco prisons are too tired from their commutes to take in a movie once they get home.