Spotted for sale last night in one of those SanTana produce trucks the city's pocho City Council so hates was a Kellogg's Corn Flakes box with pictures of salsa legend Celia Cruz and Chicano labor icon Cesar Chavez. We figured it was pirateria, something as authentic as sidewalk CDs or swap meet Bart Simpson T-shirts, until we stumble across this website. Where the hell were we in September that we just found out about this? Stanton? What's even better is that the produce truck selling the Chavez Corn Flakes boxes priced them at $6--almost three times the amount they originally retailed. There's nothing more reassuring than to see the latest wave of immigrants engage in good ol' American price-gouging. In other news, Uncle Ben's Rice announced Martin Luther King will adorn its boxes come January.

A "preacher" dropped us a line to say that he and his 30 red-robed gospel singers spent Christmas day in that most inhospitable of jails. Not French Guiana or Abu Ghraib or even the severly overcrowded, abusively run Orange County Jail. No, this was the most frightening pokey of 'em all: the Disneyland detention room! The horror, the horror. After a 4,500-mile bus ride that included stops at places like Wal-Mart all across the Midwest and crescendoed with a Buy Nothing Day celebration in New York City, the Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping was ready to stage a surprise ending by donning robes in the bathrooms of Adventure Land's Tiki Room and emerging to lead the 1:50 p.m. Main Street Parade on Christmas Day. You read all about their Tragic Kingdom escapades in the Reverend's "Letter from the Disneyland Jail" on his blog.

What happened to your classified ads?

(Upper right-hand side of home page, yellow box, says Get Stuff! You can click on tabs for Real Estate, Autos, Jobs, Adult)

I can't find Letters to the Editor, archives, or the Film Review bank on your new site. Where have these features gone?

Two places for letters: At the top of the page, under the OC Weekly logo, you'll see HOME, NEWS, COLUMNS, etc. going across the page. If you move your cursor over COLUMNS, a drop-down menu will appear with our most popular columns. Letters is among them. Or, to the right of the rotating pictures at the top of the page is NOW! Under that is BLOGS. Under that is LETTERS. Click on the photo and you'll get the Letters page.

For film, you can get there one of two ways. Again, among those sections going across the page under the logo is FILM. Click on that and you'll be taken to all our film reviews. If you specifically want the New Reviews column, it's part of the FILM drop-down menu. Also, under those rotating photos are "bins" for each section. News is at the top, followed by COLUMNS and FOOD. Down a little farther is FILM. It has our "longer" film reviews, but if you click "More" at the bottom of that box, you'll be taken to the Film page with the New Reviews column.

Sadly, our archives are still under construction, although if you know exactly what you're looking for the temporary search feature is supposedly better than the one we had up earlier last week. An all-new better version is still coming.

Can't find local entertainment, Tried to find local movie and couldn't even though it was playing in three places by me. Not a very good site, too many advertisments.

We'll be hooking up to a continuously updated film listing database soon. Allegedly. Stay tuned. Too many advertisements? How do you think we pay for all these new bells and whistles? Our trust funds?

Where is the restaurant guide you used to have on your old website? Where you could look up restaurants by kind of cusine and cities. Thanks.

It's also coming, and if and when it ever does, you'll supposedly like it better than before.

If you ever get around to putting the search feature back into the food section, you might want to fix it this time.

Hah! Can I marry you?

the links should be placed neatly on the bottom and the stries highter up and whats with the tower of links in the middle.. .centered links suck major ass who did that part of the web design? parapeligic dwarves? anyway... whats up with the one broadway tower thing? we voted on it, but no updates since? whats it been... like most of a year no? and a lot of work going over at the former YMCA, yet no story on that? my tax dollars at work, i wanna know where its going and why... lets get more stories on shit like this yeah? L8 Cerebus Da Pope

When the new One Broadway Tower "thing" goes up, who'll be feeling like a paraplegic dwarf now?

I'm a little ambivalent about the website redesign - have you noticed that the dark reddish-brown accent color you use is almost the exact same color they use on 'slate.com.' Plus it's just too dark - it seems out of place with the generally lighthearted tone of your reportage. Just My 2c.

Hey, 2 cents is two times more than our print edition costs.

What happen to your dining guide...?

Is Gustavo paying you people?

Hey guy and gals I was try to find the address of store you ran ad for last week issue it was for a corset shop in orange i can not remember the name if you could email me thanks.

A corset shop in Orange? Which one? Aren't there 30???

The year's not over yet, but the funniest thread EVER can be found right now at Democratic Underground. But first we gotta back up--AND BEND OVER, MAGGOT! It seems there is this Internet company run out of a couple's garage in that enlightened burg of Bakersfield, known previously as the place where Mick picked up gospel music on the colored radio station, that sells a little something called a chastening instrument. According to Child Training Resources, their chastening instrument fulfills "the purpose and function of the Biblical rod, yet [is] designed with today's parents in mind," and is "perfectly suited for the loving correction of your children." Of course, there's a disclaimer: "Though each instrument includes instructions for proper use, we highly recommend parents train themselves by reading and discussing Biblically-based parenting books together. Child Training Resources stands firmly against any and all child abuse and is not responsible for misuse of this product." Hell, how can you misuse this product? It is guaranteed to be:

"Flexible - produces the right amount of sting without injury!"

'Cause you know how numb your hand gets after you beat the crap outta your little shits? The chastening rod allows you to redden their butts with one pain-free hand while holding the Scripture in the other!
"Unbreakable - will last a lifetime!"

Rest assured that you can keep cranking out tax deductions and the rod will be there even when you're too old to, um, get it up.

"Convenient - fits easily into purse or travel bag!"

Or holster.

"Affordable - buy one for kitchen, bedroom, car - wherever!"

The confessional!
This is too fucking rich. Is someone hoaxing us? So-called anti-spanking advocates apparently don't think so. They've launched a nationwide campaign to flood the Bakersfield mayor's office and local banks and businesses associated with Child Training Resources with angry letters about the rod. That kicked up this Associated Press story, which got picked up by Democratic Underground and started the above-referenced thread, which evolved--or devolved, depending on your point of view--to an equal mix of condemnation forChild Training Resources and the parents of Bill O'Reilly, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush . . . for obviously not using such rods on them as youngsters to spare the world the world of hurt it is in now.

Our rootstacular music contributor, Buddy Seigal (who in another life is rootstacular musician extraordinaire Buddy Blue) sent this in to us a couple days ago, at which time we muttered into the curb, "If ever that Clockwork blog is up and ruining again, we'll share this with our vast reader." But we also felt duty bound to credit the original source, and although we found references to this Rep. John Dingell ditty from the usual suspects (like Wonkette, Democratic Underground, Kos), we could not find the original site that posted it. So screw that action! Here's what Buddy forwarded us in all its glory.

Dingell's HOLIDAY Jingle for O'Reilly and House GOP

Washington, DC - Congressman John D. Dingell (MI-15) recited the following poem on the floor of the US House of Representatives concerning House Resolution 579, which expressed the sense of the House of Representatives that the symbols and traditions of Christmas should be protected. "Preserving Christmas" has been a frequent topic for conservative talk show hosts, including Fox News's Bill O'Reilly:

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the House

No bills were passed 'bout which Fox News could grouse;

Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,

So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;

Katrina kids were nestled all snug in motel beds,

While visions of school and home danced in their heads;

In Iraq our soldiers needed supplies and a plan,

Plus nuclear weapons were being built in Iran;

Gas prices shot up, consumer confidence fell;

Americans feared we were on a fast track to...well...

Wait--- we need a distraction--- something divisive and wily;

A fabrication straight from the mouth of O'Reilly

We can pretend that Christmas is under attack

Hold a vote to save it--- then pat ourselves on the back;

Silent Night, First Noel, Away in the Manger

Wake up Congress, they're in no danger!

This time of year we see Christmas everywhere we go,

From churches, to homes, to schools, and yes...even Costco;

What we have is an attempt to divide and destroy,

When this is the season to unite us with joy

At Christmas time we're taught to unite,

We don't need a made-up reason to fight

So on O'Reilly, on Hannity, on Coulter, and those right wing blogs;

You should just sit back, relax...have a few egg nogs!

'Tis the holiday season: enjoy it a pinch

With all our real problems, do we honestly need another Grinch?

So to my friends and my colleagues I say with delight,

A merry Christmas to all,

and to Bill O'Reilly...Happy Holidays.

Courtesy of the state Dept. of Toxic Substances Control...
Orange County Polluter Sentenced to 16 Months in State Prison

Westminster - The California Department of Toxic Substances Control
(DTSC) announced today that an Orange County Superior Court sentenced
Steven Craig Booth, of Anaheim, to 16 months in state prison for
criminal violations relating to his operation of a metalizing business
in Stanton. Booth pled guilty to eight felony and six misdemeanor
charges, including hazardous waste, drug possession, and illegal weapons
violations.

"I am pleased to see the court take a tough stand against polluters like
Mr. Booth. This penalty sends a clear message that crimes against the
environment and the health of Californians will not be tolerated," said
Leonard Robinson, Acting Director for DTSC. "Protecting California's
environment through tough enforcement of existing laws is a key
component of the Governor's Environmental Action Plan," he added.

A multi-agency investigation revealed that Booth had directed operations
in which zinc hazardous waste was unlawfully dumped in the trash and
was, as unlawfully stored on site. In addition, Booth violated district
air permits and regulations by spraying zinc metal, and by fabricating
documents to conceal his crimes. Subsequently, zinc hazardous waste was
emitted from his shop into the air, ground and county flood canal,
located behind the building. Investigators estimate these illegal
practices had occurred for 10-15 years.

According to the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry, zinc
is a common, naturally-occurring element found in air, soil, water and
food. Low levels of zinc are essential for maintaining good health;
however, exposure to high levels can be harmful. Zinc is commonly used
in manufacturing as a coating to prevent rust. It is also used in dry
cell batteries, and is mixed with other metals to make alloys like brass
and bronze. Booth's metalizing business used zinc to coat wrought-iron
fences to keep them from rusting.

Booth pled guilty to the following felony and misdemeanor violations:

* Three felony counts of illegal disposal of hazardous waste
* One felony count of Illegal storage of hazardous waste
* One felony count of possession of a controlled substance
* One felony count of possession of a controlled substance for
transportation
* One felony count of possession of a controlled substance for
sale
* One felony count of carrying an exotic weapon
* Two misdemeanor counts of releasing an air contaminant in
violation of the South Coast Air Quality Management District's (SCAQMD)
rules and regulations
* One misdemeanor count of falsifying documents required to be
kept by SCAQMD
* One misdemeanor count of not carrying workers compensation
insurance
* One misdemeanor count of possessing marijuana
* One misdemeanor count of false imprisonment

The investigation was a collaborative effort with DTSC's Criminal
Investigations Branch, the Orange County District Attorney's Office, the
South Coast Air Quality Management District (SCAQMD), and the Orange
County Health Care Agency's Hazardous Materials Management Section.

DTSC regulates the generation, storage, transportation, and disposal of
hazardous waste within the State of California. DTSC ensures compliance
with the Hazardous Waste Control Law through regulations, inspections,
and criminal investigations.

For more information, visit DTSC's web site. For complaints involving the illegal dumping, storage, or transportation of hazardous waste, call 1-800-69-TOXIC.

The names have been withheld to protect our incense. Your Favorite Time-Waster's answers--not that anyone asked for them--appear in groovy italics:

Where did the link to the personals.ocweekly go on the home page?

http://personals.ocweekly.com

With the new website format instituted today, WHAT HAPPENED to ARCHIVES? I fail to find the earlier "Ask A Mexican" colums. Not happy about that!

The suits--if an alt.-weekly's suits can be called suits--decided it was better to get the site up now can catch everything up on the fly than to wait until everything was perfect. That way your helpful comments could be rolled into our to-do lists, which we've promptly thrown in the trash. We here in the Clocktower especially appreciate the suits choosing to do this right before fucking CHRISTMAS!, which is, of course, the least stressful time of the year. And they wonder why we're godless heathens!

One problem - throws away all search engines. Instead of getting the
specific story you just get the home page.

We are indeed throwings them away, but not until our all new improved search engine is up, hopefully in days, not weeks.

I miss how the old site lets you search for restaurants according to different categories (such as cities).

Wow, me too! A new improved dining thingie is also in the pipeline. Or is it on that to-do list we threw away? Or did we just roll something in it and smoke it? Rememberin's hard!

You took something simple and made it complicated Thanks

You're very welcome.

I don't like the new format. I find it hard to get where I want to go, and once there it doesn't seem to work. I accessed adult, escorts, and got page one, but when I clicked next I didn't get the next page, it took me back to the home page.

That you could do that with one hand is breathtaking!

(Crap, that came off snarkier than a T.J. Simers' column!)

Finally, you know how we don't like to boast, but we would like to direct your attention to this review from our blood brothers and sistahs at OC Blog. Thanks for the kind words, which, of course, we fully understand will be retracted the next time we say something stupid, especially if it's about you.

The Los Angeles Times reported, and the Minneapolis Star Tribune obviously picked up (it's a long story why we're using their link instead of the Times'; just got with it), the story of the U.S. government having so much trouble filling diplomat posts in Iraq (gee, wonder why?) that it may make such service mandatory, which would not only foster morgue-like morale in the Baghdad embassy (gee, wonder why?), but send the signal to the rest of the world that the folks representating the United States there don't want to be there (gee, wonder why?). That got us thinking of the perfect candidate to head that embassy, a powerful local power broker who has gobs of ambassadorial experience--ambassadorial experience that includes having dealt with headline-grabbing international terrorism. And dude loves the hummus. (Some pals have reported seeing it oozing out of his ears!) Former U.S. Ambassador to Spain George Argyros, come on down! You are the next contestant to play The Price on Your Head is Right! Now, don't get us wrong: we're not pimping George out because we wish harm would befall him. It's not like he's an enormous, oafish, molasses-slow, moving target, right? No, George would be right for the job because of his main area of expertise: slumlording! Or, for you true blue fans of El Gordo who discount the mountains of evidence against him, there is his oft-told rags to riches tale. You won't find more rags anywhere outside Iraq these days--the rags that aren't buried under rubble or on the burning end of a Molotov cocktail.

Perhaps you're mainlining nog and didn't notice, but the OC Weekly website has changed much since the last time you logged in. No, this is not the first positive move made by our new New Times owners; it's been in the works for months and months and months, starting so long ago now that this aging Seiko can't even recall when it started. Sounds like I've heard about it at least as long as the long-rumored Three Dog Night reunion.

Of course, among those changes is this new blog format, which, given our usual droolings, is like putting a drunken toddler behind the wheel of a Porshe 911. Does Porshe even make 911's? Does it go zero-to-60 stories in, like, 3 seconds?

By the way, you may notice some things wrong with the site as we're smoothing out the edges. Direct all complaints to: dthreshie@squeezeoc.com

And as President Bush says: "Be patient! Or else..."

Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration
P.O. Box 589
Ben Franklin Station
Washington, DC 20044-0589

Dear TIGfTA:

How goes the number crunching, amigo. Say, just wanted to drop you a line about something I read recently about you folks at the IRS coming down hard on the former Rector George F. Regas of All Souls Episcopal Church in Pasadena, which just so happens to be one of Southern California's largest and most liberal churches. Hey, but don't hold that against us!

Ha-ha, we like to kid down here in SoCal. Anyhoots, the Rev. Rector, as the former Regas -- excuse me -- the Rev. Regas as the former Rector gave a guest sermon on Oct. 31, 2004, when, from the sacred pulpit, imagined Jesus participating in a political debate with then-presidential candidates George W. Bush and John Kerry. And where would this debate take place? The Walk on Watergate Hotel??? Bwaaa-hah-hah. Mercy. I'm fulla beans today!

Speaking of fulla beans, Regas said that "good people of profound faith" could vote for either man, and did not tell parishioners whom to support, but he may as well have because he went on to criticize the war in Iraq, saying that Jesus would have told Bush, "Mr. President, your doctrine of preemptive war is a failed doctrine. Forcibly changing the regime of an enemy that posed no imminent threat has led to disaster."

Well, we know what happened next: Jesus made George W. Bush win the election!!!

Yay, Jesus!

But the worst was yet to come for that commie scum Regas, who also opposed the Vietnam and Gulf wars (Christ, ain't this Godboy ever met a war he DID like? Sheesh!) from that very same sacred pulpit. Yes, for on June 9 of this year, All Souls Episcopal Church received a letter from the IRS stating that "a reasonable belief exists that you may not be tax-exempt as a church. . ." The federal tax code prohibits tax-exempt organizations, including churches, from intervening in political campaigns and elections.

BOO-YAH! DIRECT HIT!

Now, we know you're probably backlogged with similar cases and it's just a quirk that we haven't heard about the letters you've obviously sent to the churches that distributed "Dems Will Ban the Bible" election fliers supplied by the Republican National Committee. Or Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and James Dobson, who each have tax-exempt churches and/or Christian-based organizations and routinely blast not only Democratic candidates but moderate Republicans as well.

Welps, since you're obviously looking hard at this kind of thing, let me explain something that happened in July 2004: I walked into St. John the Baptist Catholic Church in Costa Mesa -- and the walls came a-tumbling down! HAIL SATAN!!!

Hoo-hoo, like I said: we love to kid. But you should know a certain Father Vincent Gilmore was presiding and during his homily he mentioned that any Catholic political candidate who claims he or she is pro-choice should not take communion. This was obviously directed at Democrat presidential candidate John Kerry, because it had just been reported that then-Cardinal/now-Pope John Ratzinger's Worthiness to Receive Holy Communion -- General Principles that said the exact same thing Gilmore did.

But Gilmore did not mention this. He called it an affront to him "personally" that the Catholic presidential candidate "would take communion when [he doesn't] take an anti-abortion position." He claimed he was not being partisan, saying he'd give the exact same homily in reference to pro-choice Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger running for governor.

Of course, when Arnold Schwarzengger was running for governor, Gilmore never gave that homily at St. John's. But that's beside the point: I think you can see where I'm going here, because Gilmore was much more specific about the candidate he was singling out than this Regas fellow was.

Oh, and when you do go after Gilmore, as I'm sure you will, you should know that he has since moved from SJB to become principal at JSerra Catholic High School in San Juan Capistrano -- you know, the private, exclusive, non-Diocesean (because they'd have to admit Mexicans, poor ones even!) high school started by hardline conservative, Orange County Republican insider and millionaire developer Timothy Busch.

Anyway, that's a lot of information to absorb. Please continue to fight the good fight! After all, you find yourself in good company: the last IRS officials to go after those who'd heaped sharp criticism on the president did so at the behest of Richard Nixon!
BOO-YAH!

Have a bitchen summer,

A Clockwork Orange

P.S. Please don't audit us.

PREVIOUS POSTS:
A Clockwork Orange (Nov. 23, 7:30 p.m.-Nov. 30, 6:11 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Nov. 21, 5:15 p.m.-Nov. 22, 11:45 a.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Nov. 10, 5 p.m.-Nov. 16, 12:30 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Nov. 4, 3:55 p.m.-Nov. 9, 7:07 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Oct. 28, 3:25 p.m.-Nov. 2, 9:50 a.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Oct. 21, 5:05 p.m.-Oct. 25, 7:30 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Oct. 13, sundown-Oct. 19, 6:20 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Oct. 10, 1:30 p.m.-Oct. 11, 6:45 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Oct. 3, 3:44 p.m.-Oct. 5, 5:41 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Sept. 23, 4:12 p.m.-Sept. 29, 10:57 a.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Sept. 15, 7:17 p.m.-Sept. 21, 6:42 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Sept. 7, 2 p.m.-Sept. 13, 3:30 p.m.)
A Clockwork Naranja (Arellano), with some Orange (Coker) down near the bottom (Aug. 31, 6:05 p.m.-Sept. 5, 3ish)
A Clockwork Orange (Aug. 26, 4 p.m.-Aug. 30, 6:15 p.m.)
A Clockwork Orange (Aug. 22, 5:07 p.m.-Aug. 25, 6:01 p.m.)
A Clockwork Naranja (Aug. 14-22, 10 a.m.ish)
A Clockwork Orange (Aug. 2-10)