Behold the Least Metal Video Ever Made

Categories: Video Treasures

By: Jef Rouner

If you don't remember Chris Holmes from his stint as lead guitarist in W.A.S.P., you may be forgiven. The band was, after all, just another hair-metal act, and not one whose work has particularly stood the test of time. On the other hand, if you don't remember Chris Holmes from his interview in the Penelope Spheeris documentary The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, then you might have brain damage.

Who could ever forget Holmes floating in a swimming pool on an inflatable chair, swigging vodka from three separate bottles and babbling incoherently as his mom looked on, worried? It's arguably the greatest interview in music-documentary history.

His latest video is the music-video equivalent of that interview. Oh. My. God.

I was sent "Let It Roar" by a friend, who has apparently made it a full-time hobby to expose me to terrible metal videos until I snap. Well the joke's on him, because I made it through all 4:42 minutes of this mess. However, I could only do so by marking each progressive bit of surrealism that Holmes unleashes over the video's course. Here follows that chronology.

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'Rifles Burs'--Video/Song of the Year That Will Make You Take Your Shirt Off

I could ramble on for days about how awesome this video/song called "Rifle Burs" is, but I won't for two reasons.

1. Within the first 10 seconds, the unnamed rapper (whose name appears to be Gil) says all you need to know when he explains, "It's the hardest beat anybody's ever heard... Gunshots are the beat." Do you even need to know anything else? Answer: No.

2. The whole thing is three minutes and twenty-three seconds long. Trust me, between solitaire, free cell, spider solitaire and online Tetris, you've already proven to yourself and that creepy IT guy at work who monitors your computer activity that have enough time to watch this.

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UCLA Girl's Racist Rant, Remixed--a Bunch of Times

You knew it was going to happen: Wannabe model Alexandra Wallace, now infamous as the UCLA girl who posted a racist rant against Asian students on YouTube, is not only all over the news, but she's also gotten her rant remixed. More than once. And her video was first posted over the WEEKEND. (Watch them all after the jump.)

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Gratuitous Viral Video Mashup of the Day: Don Draper + Samwell

Don Draper on AMC's hit show Mad Men says "What?" a lot, which, in the Internet world, automatically means a supercut of all the times Draper says the word by way of YouTube. (Watch it here.)

 If you're not a fan that's not that terribly interesting, but today (via Jezebel), you'll find a mashup of Draper's supercut and Samwell's "What What (In the Butt)" also on a YouTube clip. You remember Samwell, right? One of Web 2.0's early Internet superstars? Watch it after the jump. More »

Photos: Shakira at the Honda Center... and Performs in the Parking Lot

Christopher Victorio/OC Weekly
Them hips.
We've got an amazing slideshow here of Shakira performing at the Honda Center. Click here to see it.

And after the jump? Shakira surprised/freaked out fans when she put on an unannounced performance in the parking lot of the Honda Center. We have video!  More »

Video: 1st Annual Clown Jam at the Doll Hut

Yeastie Boys2.jpg
Eat your heart out, Insane Clown Posse.

Call us clownaholics, but after goofing around with the Yeastie Boys--Costa Mesa's favorite face-painted, punk rock bozo squad--we just had to pop in to last weekend's 1st Annual All-Star Clown Jam.  Hosted by the Doll Hut in Anaheim, the soul purpose of gathering all Yeastie Boys members past present in front of a the crowded, beer-drenched swarm of die-hard fans. More »

Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti's New Video

What has a surfing footage, Ariel Pink being held hostage at a girl's school, and getting rescued with a cardboard Trojan Horse, and psychedelic visuals? You guessed it: Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti's video of "Bright Lit Blue Skies" from the new album, out today on 4AD, Before Today. Watch it after the jump.

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Why is Snoop Dogg Wearing a Red Bandanna?

This and many other questions from fans brought about by Snoop Dogg and Kid Cudi's new video for "That Tree." (You know. Treeeeees.)

Well, actually... We think we have a theory on that red bandanna.
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Video: Townes Van Zandt Performing 'Waiting Around to Die' in 'Heartworn Highways'

I had a great phone interview today with singer-songwriter Rob Waller of I See Hawks in L.A. for a Q&A to run Jan. 18 in advance of the country-rock band's Jan. 22 date at Puka Bar, Long Beach. We got talking about all kinds of stuff including the 1981 documentary Heartworn Highways. It features Townes Van Zandt, Steve Earle, Rodney Crowell, David Allan Coe, Guy Clark, Steve Young and is essential viewing for anyone interested in outlaw country/Americana music. The clip above starts out humorous with Van Zandt "interviewing" the sweet old timer "Uncle Seymour." At 4:12 Van Zandt starts performing "Waiting Around to Die." It's a beautiful, poignant song made even more moving when you see Uncle Seymour shed a manly tear.

Video: 'Happy New Year,' ABBA

I never cared for ABBA until a couple years ago when a copy editor who made all my writing much better--and became a close friend--turned me on to their music. I'm still no diehard. And I passed on Mamma Mia! But I do have a bunch of their songs on my iTunes these days and enjoy quite a few. Actually, I always loved "Dancing Queen." It just took me a long time to admit. Here's the video for Swedish pop sensation's charmingly sentimental single "Happy New Year," culled from the band's 1980 album Super Trouper.