Comedian Lahna Turner Unlocks Dirty Online Dating Secrets

Categories: LOL, Q&As, comedy

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You don't care what a guy looks like, you just need him to make you laugh.

Having a conversation with a comic can be a dream come true if you happen to be a fan. Or a total fan boy (or girl). When you talk to comedians for a living, well, one could say that is a wet dream come true. Since I happen to be lucky enough to do that for a living, I figured I'd hit a few of them up to give me some advice. Of the dating nature. See, comics are writers so they no doubt understand how it is to have deadlines (well, show dates for them) as well as having the "gift" of being in your own head all of the time. (Which can quite honestly lead to a few negative effects on life's views.) Add those two together and some people (me) could have a hard time juggling a relationship as well. I know it's kind of crazy (and hilariously ironic) to ask comics for love advice but fuck it, I'm going there. And yes, I realize that their guidance might be sick and might not be the best but hey, I know who I'm dealing with. As do they.

Lahna Turner has become one of my closest friends over the years and since we've dished incredible amounts of dirt to each other with zero judgment attached, I knew when it came time to try out online dating and fill in the profile that goes along with it, she'd be perfect to help me convey honesty.

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Six Reasons I Won't Dance At Your Wedding

Categories: LOL

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Dave Watt
If you're anything like me, you've spent the last two months going to a lot of weddings, either alone or with your significant other. And although we typically don't enjoy sitting in a church and staring at comb-overs, there are two things provided at weddings we can all agree on: food and alcohol. I can live like the lord of the event center, alternating between sips of coffee and bites of three or four varieties of cupcakes I have chosen. Things are as perfect as they can be for a greedy sinner like myself, until I am dethroned by one simple request:

I'm asked to get up and dance.
There are a lot of people like me out there -- the joy-killers, the social alienators, the beings that will occupy chairs for eternity. We are those who do not dance. As a favor to all the nervous loners who sit at desolate tables in the corner, I'm going to tell you precisely why you won't find people like me tearing up the dance floor with the "Electric Slide."


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The Funniest Tweets From the ESPY Awards.

Categories: LOL, Twitter

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Double Lance Cam!
God dammit we hate to say this BUT...Drake did a pretty fantastic job of hosting the 2014 ESPY Awards last night. Between spouting off on Blake Griffin, Donald Sterling, LeBron James, and killing it with the "Lance Cam," Drake actually left us in happy tears rather than the way we like to talk about him being in tears. (Because he's soft. Duh.) Not everyone will agree with our assessment of Drake's hosting duties but nonetheless, in our opinion, the award show was pretty stellar.

Highlights included the inspirational speech given by Stuart Scott (that left us in inspired tears), Michael Sam actually being in tears, the "USA" chant when the US soccer team won, and the wardrobe choices that were less than inspiring (Yeah, we're looking at you Westbrook). And while they crowned the best of the best on the ESPY Awards, some peeps on social media sat back in judgment and let the hilarity fly. Oh you missed it? Not to worry because we trolled what was killing our Twitter feed and it kept us sidetracked from the festivities all while keeping us in stitches.

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Funniest Tweets From the 2014 BET Awards

Categories: LOL, Twitter, music

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BET.com
It's clear that all Chris Rock needs is a platform in front of an open-minded audience and he will have you at "hello." That's exactly how it went down when the 2014 BET Awards kicked off with Rock at the helm delivering a monologue that slaughtered Rick Ross, took jabs at the Solange/Jay-Z elevator fight, and hilariously defended (of sorts) Donald Sterling. Later on, he also killed with his "monster truck rally" bit and one upped Ellen DeGeneres by passing out Roscoe's chicken.

If you're wondering why we can't stop talking about him, it's because it could be argued that his presence was the best part of the whole BET Awards. Sure, there were some superb performances from Pharrell, Nicki Minaj, Usher, and John Legend as well as a fantastic tribute to Lionel Richie complete with a performance by the man himself. But really, Chris Rock slayed--that is all you need to know. In all, the show did drag and probably could've omitted a few acts (such as Robin Thicke crying about how he fucked up on his marriage ONCE AGAIN) but in all, it was as T.I. would put it, "mediocre." You may disagree with our review on last night's show so let's hand it off to the fine and funny folks of Twitter to see what they had to say about the 2014 BET Awards.

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An Open Letter to People Too Easily Offended By Words

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Don't tell me what to say.
One of the lessons that most of us learned at an early age was, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Back in my day it wasn't called "bullying," it was called teasing. And we grew thick skin from it. Maybe today's world needs to grow a little thick skin as well. What a concept.

But today it certainly seems like there's always a bullshit story in the media about someone being offended by one word or another. The most recent "scandals" came from jokes (albeit not very fantastic ones) at the Daytime Emmys and from Gary Oldman simply voicing his outlook on several situations. It's all pretty ridiculous. To be clear here, I'm not defending what anyone says or taking a side because I do wholeheartedly think that offended people and groups have a right to their opinion as well. It's just that I also have an opinion and this is mine so buckle up.

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#TenHashtagsThatNeedToBeRetiredNow

Categories: LOL, Lists

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skreened.com
#Hashtag
Social media has in fact taken not just over our lives, but the lives of almost everyone in the world that has the ability to use a computer or smart phone. And when it comes to Twitter and the use of hashtags, trust us, we get the need to keep it short and simple. But when it comes to Instagram all we can say is some of you really know how to overdo it with the excessive use of the "pound sign plus word." We've noticed a lot of creativity when it comes to hashtags and for that, we applaud you. But for the rest of you repeating the same shit over and over (and over and over), we've decided that it's time to call you out so maybe you can muster up some originality and retire some of these oldies.



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Funniest Tweets of 2014 Billboard Music Awards

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The way this made us feel? Mesmerized.
Last night during the 2014 Billboard Music Awards, Twitter let us know the good (the Michael Jackson hologram), the bad (Lorde to the tenth power), and the ruiners (again, please see Lorde). But before we even get into the Tweetosphere feedback, we have a bone to pick with ABC Network. This whole "taping the show in the west coast" and showing it first to the east coast needs to stop. Since social media has taken over so many of our lives it's unfair to ask us to abandon "our feeds" for any amount of time. By the time we were "fortunate" enough to watch the show we already knew what the stars were wearing, knew the winners, and knew all of the so called "surprises." This is total and utter bullshit and it needs to end. NOW. Anyway, on with the show...

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Mark Gonzales Likes Aloe Blacc's "The Man" But Doesn't Like Chicks With Dicks

Categories: LOL, comedy, today

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Where's my Beats by Dre commercial?!
[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

Phyllis Diller once said, "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight" and with that, we're here to set you straight. Missing Mark Gonzales tonight (May 14th) when he hits up the Brea Improv along with The Smash Brothers would be a big fucking mistake. Why you ask? Allow us to break it down. If you like comedy of the filthy variety you're in for a real treat with Gonzales because is one dirty bird and along with his set, this evening promises to be as naughty as they come. Before the big show kicks off and the shenanigans begin, we got Mark to play "Quick Questions" with us.

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The Funniest Comics Use The Worst Pick-Up Lines

Categories: LOL, Lists , comedy

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Chris Neff: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd stick my dick in your mouth.

Smooth talking the opposite sex is a mysterious art form deserving of a master class. Still, any idiot knows that cheesy pick-up lines are never the way to go. We've all heard them, laughed at them, and if one of them actually worked for you, well...more power to your genitals. The general rule when it comes to the "pick-up line" is to actually treat it as an icebreaker that will make the other person smile which then if you're lucky, will lead to conversation. And if you are really, really lucky, it'll lead to you sealing the deal.

We've heard some pretty cheesetastic pick-up lines ourselves over the years such as, "Girl, I'd eat you like a Denny's Grand Slam. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner." (FYI-it did NOT work) so we decided to compile a list filled with "do not even try" lines just for you. We went straight to the some of the funniest people we know for some of the corniest lines they have ever heard or in some cases, even said themselves.


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The Best Pick Up Lines Are on Twitter

Categories: LOL, Twitter

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lolsotrue.com
We never fail to be amused when we scroll through our Twitter timeline and when it comes to those who attempt to get their flirt on, it leaves us wondering if they could really work in everyday life. Come on now, we're just kidding. There is no way they could work. For the love of all that is sacred we really, really hope they don't work! Because some of these playful lines are so severely cringe-worthy, we decided to compile a list of fifteen "Twitter Pick-Up Lines" to see if you choked back vomit the way we did. And on a side note folks, if you try any of these out in the real world and they actually do work, please report back to us so we can call you out on being a liar.

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