10 Sleaziest Rave T-Shirts at Ultra 2014

Categories: douchebaggery

Photo by S. Pajot
[Editor's Note: Over the weekend, our colleagues at Miami New Times' Crossfade music blog covered the depths of bass-dropping depravity at Ultra 2104--Miami's annual juggernaut of an EDM festival. Here's some of the coverage they were good enough to share with us.]

By: S. Pajot

Whoa! Bro! You got boobs!

For the last couple of years at Ultra Music Festival, male ravers have rocked increasingly explicit, sometimes anatomically correct, and often innuendo-emblazoned tees, resulting in many LOLs and WTFs.

Some are funny. Others are gross. And others still are straight-up creeeeeepy.

We've carefully tracked the trend. We've snapped some pics. And now we present Ultra 2014's ten sleaziest t-shirts.

See also: 10 Walking Raver Cliches at EDM Festivals

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The 10 Lamest Bands of the '90s

Categories: douchebaggery

Photo by Groovehouse
311 at Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, July 2012
Talk to some people (we guess), and they'll tell you that '90s nostalgia is the only kind of nostalgia that matters. But let's be honest: Within the '90s-rock spectrum, as far as quality is concerned, there a few groups like Pearl Jam, The Deftones, Live and Sound Garden who (in our opinion) all land in the first couple of tiers. Other acts from that period were a lot, lot worse.

But who, you ask, might those be? Wouldn't you know it, recently we put that very question to a few of our writers.

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Ummm...Kanye and Kim Named Their Baby What?

Hey North. Did you know your mom is famous for spreading it down South?

We know it "isn't nice" to make fun of kids BUT...no one ever said it wasn't nice to make fun of the names that parents give these kids. Ever since Kanye West knocked up Kim Kardashian, social media has been buzzing trying to predict the name that they will choose for their over privileged baby. Hey, we even got into the fun and had a few suggestions of our own. After pushing out their daughter on June 15th, yesterday the speculation was finally put to rest. They settled (and we do mean settled) with North West. North effing West! What? Our suggestions weren't good enough for you? As our OC Weekly music editor Nate Jackson put it, "This will be the name that will keep on giving." And he's right. If the jokes are endless now, they will only get worse once North West (oh my god, we can't even say that name with a straight face) hits the school scene and the daily teasing begins. Some might say with Kanye and Kim as parents she won't get teased but let's be perfectly honest here, she'll get teased even more. Don't fool yourselves.

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An Open Letter To Michael Lohan

michael lohan!!!.jpg

Dear (and I use that term loosely) Michael Lohan:

I won't apologize for the way I really feel regarding your daughter Lindsay and I don't think I stand alone here when I say that she has no doubt received preferential treatment for being a celebrity. If any one of us "common folk" had pulled half of the shit that she has over the years, we would no doubt have served plenty of time locked up behind bars at this point. DUI, felony drug possession, theft, assault, reckless driving, providing false information to a police officer...yeah...we'd be locked up. But Lindsay? Well, she gets rehab once again. What a lucky daughter you have.

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What The Heck Is Up With Hecklers at Comedy Shows?

Statler and Waldorf...the O.G. hecklers.

When it comes to the world of stand-up comics there is something almost all of them have in common. Hecklers. At one point or another, a comedian has shut a heckler down from the stage and now, we are calling them out. Hecklers are completely annoying but not just that, they're disruptive to the comic that's in the zone doing their job and they ruin it for the rest of the crowd that paid to see a show. Not cool. Census says that most heckling happens when someone is drunk but even if you aren't saucy and you are thinking about "getting your heckle on," you should pretty much think about shutting the fuck up. But you don't have to just take our word for it so we asked the pros what they think of hecklers and if they've ever heard of this breed of a-hole "fan boys/gals" that shout out for attention simply so they can brag about it later. Can you imagine? Maybe when you hear their side, you'll think first about adding your "two cents" in the next time you are out at a comedy show.

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Top 10 Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender

Categories: douchebaggery

bartender opener.jpg
Rob Boudon
By Rick Giordano
When I'm not raking in the millions writing for music blogs, I, much like many of my fellow artsy-fartsies and anti-professionals, have to earn my dough in the service industry. Working directly with customers in any job can be a frustrating experience, especially in the bar industry, where customers are often carrying a small solar system of booze in their bellies. Even more difficult is tending to these folks in a loud venue while a band plays 8 feet away. Every bartender wants to get you your drinks quickly and accurately -- working for tips, it's in our best interest to do so -- but the customer is not always right. Sometimes, the customer is a big, goddamn-wrong pain in the ass, in fact. Here are the top 10 ways to get on our bad sides.

See Also:
*Top 15 Things That Annoy the Shit Out of Your Local Sound Guy

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Five Songs To Get Lindsay Lohan Through Jail Time

Lindsay pic.JPG
Sing jail bird sing!

Ohhhh, Lindsay Lohan. There is so much we can say about this hot mess of a chick but really, is there enough time to express it all? Not in this lifetime. After a slew of bad choices like stealing, lying, horrendous driving, and committing tons of wardrobe felonies, Lindsay's latest debacle includes getting arrested for allegedly punching a gypsy in the face. Oh yeah, we just heard that saying "gypsy" is a new "racist term" so we're soooo sorry for using the "g-word." Anyway, from what TMZ is reporting, Lindsay's acting out this time because she is pounding two bottles of vodka a day and dabbling in coke one again. And then there are also Lindsay's new issues with the IRS being hot on her trail. Damn, girl. Is it true? We wouldn't be surprised because she is a straight up certifiable disaster.

The point is, we all know that being a celebrity gets you preferential treatment from law enforcement (I mean really, us common folk would practically be lifers with her rap sheet)  and with rumors of jail time swirling for Lilo, we thought we'd do her a solid in case she actually does head to the clink. It comes in the form of a list of songs that could help her get though any impending jail time. But not to worry Linds, we'll make the list quick because we are well aware that being a celebrity also gets you out of jail quickly for "overcrowding." At the end of the day we're guessing that she figures (like the rest of us) that she'll get off. Come to think of it, she'd probably get off in jail because, you know...the ladies. But just in case, here's our list of Five Songs To Get Lindsay Lohan Through Jail Time.

See Also:

*Five Recent Basketball Players That Bounced From Balling to Rapping
* Top Five Nostalgic Cartoon Bands
* Top Five Essential Top Dawg Entertainment Tracks

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An Open Letter to Katt Williams and His New, Horribly Shitty Ways.

Yeah. Ummmm. Pimpin' is a much better look on you Katt.

Dear Katt:

Forgive us for being so blunt (although we know you like blunts) but, what the fuck is going on with you? We've all heard of acting out due to "short man's complex" but my friend (if we may call you that), you are taking it wayyyy too far. We get you are a "pimp" but for real pimpin', this shit has to stop!

You are so funny but lately, it seems your life is starting to play out like the punch line to a really bad joke. Your stand-up specials killed and you were on your way to the top of the comedic list and now, you are winding your way down at a rapid pace. And the worst part of it all? It's all because of your own doing. It's not because you aren't funny anymore because really, that isn't the case. You still have what it takes to make a crowd roar but it would seem that your ego is really starting getting in the way. Does, "How do you get a job and fuck up everything! Everything? Everything!" not ring a bell sir?

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Imperial Stars Plead No Contest For Traffic Jam Stunt

Categories: douchebaggery
imperial stars band photo.JPG
Imperial Douchebags

Two years after pissing off countless L.A. motorists with a publicity stunt that created a massive traffic jam on the 101 freeway, Garden Grove rap-rock band Imperial Stars pleaded no contest Monday to several charges, including conspiracy. They were each given probation sentences but no jail time. We're still convinced that the song itself was the most criminal part of this whole situation.

Band members Christopher Roy Wright, 34; David Paul Hale, 32; and Keith R. Yackey, 33--made an open plea before Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Norm Shapiro to felony conspiracy counts as well as misdemeanor charges of public nuisance and interfering with law enforcement. They were immediately sentenced to three months formal probation and 35 days of community service (freeway trash pick-up sounds appropriate, doesn't it?). Despite objections from prosecutors, the band members could each have their felony convictions reduced to misdemeanors in 18 months.

See Also:
*Imperial Stars Face Charges for Freeway Stunt
*Imperial Stars: Arrested For Disturbing the Peace, Now Out of Jail and Seeking Dinner Dates in Hollywood Tonight

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Phoenix Club Backs Out of Odd Future Show, New Venue and Date to be Announced

No schnitzel and hefeweizen for you!

Ticket holders for what would have been Odd Future's first OC gig got a shitty surprise recently when the information about their June 15 date at the Phoenix Club in Anaheim was suddenly nowhere to be found on the venue's website. It was as if the show (and our dreams of  finally seeing a hip-hop show at a beer-swilling Oktoberfest venue) had vanished like a fart in the wind. Today, the Weekly confirmed that Phoenix backed out of their contract with the event promoter, OC Productions, and decided to cancel the show at their venue.

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