Dear (and I use that term loosely) Michael Lohan:

I won't apologize for the way I really feel regarding your daughter Lindsay and I don't think I stand alone here when I say that she has no doubt received preferential treatment for being a celebrity. If any one of us "common folk" had pulled half of the shit that she has over the years, we would no doubt have served plenty of time locked up behind bars at this point. DUI, felony drug possession, theft, assault, reckless driving, providing false information to a police officer...yeah...we'd be locked up. But Lindsay? Well, she gets rehab once again. What a lucky daughter you have.

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Statler and Waldorf...the O.G. hecklers.

When it comes to the world of stand-up comics there is something almost all of them have in common. Hecklers. At one point or another, a comedian has shut a heckler down from the stage and now, we are calling them out. Hecklers are completely annoying but not just that, they're disruptive to the comic that's in the zone doing their job and they ruin it for the rest of the crowd that paid to see a show. Not cool. Census says that most heckling happens when someone is drunk but even if you aren't saucy and you are thinking about "getting your heckle on," you should pretty much think about shutting the fuck up. But you don't have to just take our word for it so we asked the pros what they think of hecklers and if they've ever heard of this breed of a-hole "fan boys/gals" that shout out for attention simply so they can brag about it later. Can you imagine? Maybe when you hear their side, you'll think first about adding your "two cents" in the next time you are out at a comedy show.

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Rob Boudon

By Rick GiordanoMore »

Sing jail bird sing!

Ohhhh, Lindsay Lohan. There is so much we can say about this hot mess of a chick but really, is there enough time to express it all? Not in this lifetime. After a slew of bad choices like stealing, lying, horrendous driving, and committing tons of wardrobe felonies, Lindsay's latest debacle includes getting arrested for allegedly punching a gypsy in the face. Oh yeah, we just heard that saying "gypsy" is a new "racist term" so we're soooo sorry for using the "g-word." Anyway, from what TMZ is reporting, Lindsay's acting out this time because she is pounding two bottles of vodka a day and dabbling in coke one again. And then there are also Lindsay's new issues with the IRS being hot on her trail. Damn, girl. Is it true? We wouldn't be surprised because she is a straight up certifiable disaster.

The point is, we all know that being a celebrity gets you preferential treatment from law enforcement (I mean really, us common folk would practically be lifers with her rap sheet)  and with rumors of jail time swirling for Lilo, we thought we'd do her a solid in case she actually does head to the clink. It comes in the form of a list of songs that could help her get though any impending jail time. But not to worry Linds, we'll make the list quick because we are well aware that being a celebrity also gets you out of jail quickly for "overcrowding." At the end of the day we're guessing that she figures (like the rest of us) that she'll get off. Come to think of it, she'd probably get off in jail because, you know...the ladies. But just in case, here's our list of Five Songs To Get Lindsay Lohan Through Jail Time.

See Also:

*Five Recent Basketball Players That Bounced From Balling to Rapping
* Top Five Nostalgic Cartoon Bands
* Top Five Essential Top Dawg Entertainment Tracks

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Yeah. Ummmm. Pimpin' is a much better look on you Katt.

Dear Katt:

Forgive us for being so blunt (although we know you like blunts) but, what the fuck is going on with you? We've all heard of acting out due to "short man's complex" but my friend (if we may call you that), you are taking it wayyyy too far. We get you are a "pimp" but for real pimpin', this shit has to stop!

You are so funny but lately, it seems your life is starting to play out like the punch line to a really bad joke. Your stand-up specials killed and you were on your way to the top of the comedic list and now, you are winding your way down at a rapid pace. And the worst part of it all? It's all because of your own doing. It's not because you aren't funny anymore because really, that isn't the case. You still have what it takes to make a crowd roar but it would seem that your ego is really starting getting in the way. Does, "How do you get a job and fuck up everything! Everything? Everything!" not ring a bell sir?

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imperialstars.com

Imperial Douchebags

Two years after pissing off countless L.A. motorists with a publicity stunt that created a massive traffic jam on the 101 freeway, Garden Grove rap-rock band Imperial Stars pleaded no contest Monday to several charges, including conspiracy. They were each given probation sentences but no jail time. We're still convinced that the song itself was the most criminal part of this whole situation.

Band members Christopher Roy Wright, 34; David Paul Hale, 32; and Keith R. Yackey, 33--made an open plea before Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Norm Shapiro to felony conspiracy counts as well as misdemeanor charges of public nuisance and interfering with law enforcement. They were immediately sentenced to three months formal probation and 35 days of community service (freeway trash pick-up sounds appropriate, doesn't it?). Despite objections from prosecutors, the band members could each have their felony convictions reduced to misdemeanors in 18 months.

See Also:
*Imperial Stars Face Charges for Freeway Stunt
*Imperial Stars: Arrested For Disturbing the Peace, Now Out of Jail and Seeking Dinner Dates in Hollywood Tonight


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No schnitzel and hefeweizen for you!

Ticket holders for what would have been Odd Future's first OC gig got a shitty surprise recently when the information about their June 15 date at the Phoenix Club in Anaheim was suddenly nowhere to be found on the venue's website. It was as if the show (and our dreams of  finally seeing a hip-hop show at a beer-swilling Oktoberfest venue) had vanished like a fart in the wind. Today, the Weekly confirmed that Phoenix backed out of their contract with the event promoter, OC Productions, and decided to cancel the show at their venue.



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Few things stab us in the gut like watching a celebrity try to cut up tracks on a laptop or a pair of turntables. Sure, we'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt that their musical aspirations might be met with some actual practice and soul searching vision. And to those celebrities with actual talent, we're sorry that Paris Hilton is ruining it for the rest of you.

On Tuesday, it was confirmed that Hilton will indeed be releasing a house record and will be getting behind the decks to for a one-hour music festival in Sao Paulo, Brazil on June 23 with more bass-thumping gigs to follow. Apparently dating Dutch producer Afrojack has given her the confidence to step into the spotlight. But one doesn't have to go far back in her past (i.e. the bizarre video for her woozy track, "Drunk Text") to see why celebutantes and music careers don't mix.

With that in mind, we tracked down a few other horrible DJ ventures that sound worse than a needle scratching across the record.



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​ I am pretty sure a lesson that was drilled into our heads as kids is that it's bad to steal. Whether you are stealing a car, some money, or heaven forbid someone's school work, it's just wrong. Actually, stealing has been frowned upon since biblical times as it is even listed as one of the Ten Commandments. Someone should have told Troy Holm that.

Who is Troy Holm, you ask? Well over the last 48 hours Troy Holm has become a social spectacle being treated to a well-deserved bashing by the fans of beloved comic Doug Stanhope. You see, Troy has made numerous pages (Twitter, a blog, Tumblr, Facebook, etc.) of his "writing" which is actually brilliant comic Doug Stanhope's material. What kind of a douche would steal the work of a comic that is loved world-wide? A stupid one. A really, really stupid one. Lucky for us, Doug Stanhope put his loyal fans onto the scam that is Troy Holm, which subsequently shut down all of Troy's pages, and now he has some shit to say... More »

​TMZ reported today that it took a Los Angeles Police Department S.W.A.T. team  to coax former Queens of the Stone Age Bassist, 39-year-old Nick Oliveriout of his Hollywood duplex and into custody yesterday.

According to the tabloid, Oliveri had a fight with his girlfriend two days ago. He allegedly struck her, prompting her to leave. When she returned to retrieve some personal items, the couple got into an argument. The police were reportedly called but Oliveri would not grant them access to the house. That's when TMZ says the SWAT Team was called in. After a  two hour standoff, Oliveri let his girlfriend leave, then gave himself up. When police entered his residence, they reportedly found a loaded rifle. 


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