Colin Quinn's Dating Advice: Play Head Games, Be a Bully and Stay Away For a Few Days

Categories: Q&As, WTF, comedy

Shaun Baker Photography
I think bullying is an underrated technique.
Those of you who follow my work on Heard Mentality know that I spend most (OK, all) of my time talking to comedians about their lives. We talk about sex and dating (and poop jokes) quite a lot. Recently, I decided that maybe, despite all the depraved things I now know about these comics, maybe it was time I asked one of them to hang out and talk about my life for a change--more specifically, my romantic life. See, comics are writers so they understand how it is to have deadlines (tour dates for them) and we also share the "gift" of being in our own head all of the time. (Which can quite honestly lead to a few negative views on life.) Add those two together and some people (i.e. me) could have a hard time juggling a relationship as well. Recently, I reached out to Colin Quinn to get some advice on amoré. Before I picked up the phone I already realized I would be dealing with a cynical, depraved individual. But, so did he.

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): As you know, I'm a pretty complimentary person. Do you think I need to dial it back with guys so they don't think they're "winning?"

Colin Quinn: Guys like compliments too much. What you should do is probe around. You know how people say that the best guys are the ones who love their mothers? What I say is, no. You need to find a guy who didn't get along with his mother because she was abusive and then find those little triggers and keep pushing them. Then keep moving farther away from him so he spends the rest of his life obsessed with you.

I'd take an obsessed guy...maybe. I'm also not a very trusting gal when it comes to relationships. Any stellar advice for letting my guard down or should I just keep it up forever?

You need to do what everybody does, assume that neither of you is going to cheat for the first six months, you turn a blind eye for the next six months, and then you stalk. I mean, nowadays there are so many ways to catch people. People leave such a nice trail these days that you can really set it up and make a fun game out of it. [Laughs.] The worst advice that people can give is to really trust the other person. You can also remind them that they don't know who they're messing with. Maybe that's the way you need to go. You just tell them, "Hey look, you're trapped." I think bullying is an underrated technique.

You don't think I'll come across crazy?

Don't even say "crazy" because the "crazy people" never say that. If a guy says, "You know I'm thinking that maybe we should go out and see other people." You then just need to look at him and say, "Ohhhh! Haha! You don't want to do that." Then when they say, "why not?" You just start laughing, "HAHAHA AHHHAHA!"

Maybe lifting up the bottom of my shirt to brandish the gun on my hip would be effective as well in that scenario.

[Laughs.] Yes! You can treat it like an acting technique too where you just smile and look like you're having a memory of the last person that ever tried that shit. You just keep laughing and looking like, oh boy that was a real fucking situation. Never say it, just think it.

Now on the off chance that doesn't work and rather than being stuck in a shitty relationship, do you think it's weird that I can be alone but not really feel lonely? It's like, why is "lonely" a bad thing?

I think the sign of real maturity is to know that you are either going to be in a shitty relationship or you're going to be lonely. That's the way it goes. I think there is a certain amount of loneliness when it comes to comedians but like you said, lonely isn't always a negative thing. I'm sure most hermits once had a lot of interaction with the community. I think if you went to the mountains to check out hermits, most of them probably worked in customer service at one point.

I wonder if being considered a "hermit" is a negative thing...

You're right! I mean, are hermit crabs less happy than regular crabs? I don't think so!

"Regular" like crotch crabs or the like "The Deadliest Catch" crabs?

[Laughs.] Like a soft-shell crab versus a hermit crab. Who has a happier life? People spend a lot of time researching lab rats but maybe they should start researching hermit crabs and real crabs.

I think if that were to happen you'd have to specify that you aren't talking about STD related crabs.

I can't believe the word crabs is still the popular one! There must still be crabs if that is still a term. I think it's just one of those catchy terms. They're the embarrassment of the shellfish community. People go into restaurants to order crabs and everyone groans. It's like if chicken was called HPV!

Haha oh shit! I think "crabs" is more mild than "HPV" because HPV is in all capital letters so it's like you're screaming it.

I remember back when there was a diet pill called AIDS. It was unbelievable. Comics couldn't even do jokes about it because it was too easy.

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