Six Reasons I Won't Dance At Your Wedding

Categories: LOL

Dave Watt
If you're anything like me, you've spent the last two months going to a lot of weddings, either alone or with your significant other. And although we typically don't enjoy sitting in a church and staring at comb-overs, there are two things provided at weddings we can all agree on: food and alcohol. I can live like the lord of the event center, alternating between sips of coffee and bites of three or four varieties of cupcakes I have chosen. Things are as perfect as they can be for a greedy sinner like myself, until I am dethroned by one simple request:

I'm asked to get up and dance.
There are a lot of people like me out there -- the joy-killers, the social alienators, the beings that will occupy chairs for eternity. We are those who do not dance. As a favor to all the nervous loners who sit at desolate tables in the corner, I'm going to tell you precisely why you won't find people like me tearing up the dance floor with the "Electric Slide."

6. I Don't Know Anyone Here

Dancing, I look like a dumpy undercover cop or perhaps a young Wilford Brimley. When I take the dance floor, no one here knows that I was in an independent film that won a festival in Germany or that I regularly shop at a co-op. My life's work of creating a mask of semi-respectable accomplishments is of no use here. All these people know is that I have many large veins in my head and I am sweating cheap tequila. A lot of it.

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Basil Ganglia
Basil Ganglia

You WILL dance! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life. Why? Because at your tender age of 30 you haven't yet realized how short life is. One day you'll wake up and you'll be 40... then 45... then... 

At some point you will realize how quickly your life will be over and that you might as well dance and enjoy it. All your self conscious bullshit will give way to "grabbing as much gusto" as you can. That means savoring every drop of existence and to shake what god gave ya even if it means people around you might think you're epileptic! Fuck 'em if they don't like it- this is YOUR time!

fishwithoutbicycle topcommenter

I enjoyed that. :-)

I, too, am extremely hesitant about dancing in public. It seems the only way to alleviate this problem is by having a couple of drinks.  It's a delicate balance of getting just toasted enough to not be self-conscious about the quality of my dancing but not so drunk that I fall all over the place.

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