Lisa Lampanelli Would Be a Fantastic Mom for Many Reasons

Categories: Q&As, comedy

Dan Dion
I have way too many pet peeves to list because I'm effing crazy.
Lisa Lampanelli is dubbed the "lovable queen of mean" for a good reason. On stage, LL knocks out crowds with her sharp tongued comedy but off stage, she's a god damn sweetheart. She'll be gigging at the City National Grove of Anaheim for one night only on August 15th and if you haven't had the chance to see her do her thing, you have to get in on this show! If you have seen her before and you just can't wait to see what she'll be saying next, well, your chance is right around the corner. Before the show, she was good enough to let us fire a few questions at her.

OC Weekly (Ali Lerman): Tell me what your first time on stage was like.

Lisa Lampanelli: Oh my god! That's so funny that you ask because that's part of my Broadway show. I really did great. Every comic bombs eventually and usually, it's on their first time so I think it was almost like a sign. I was in the mind set like, I'm just going to do this once and if I'm horrible and there is no hope, I'm not going to beat a dead horse. So I had that in mind and did this comedy show that was part of a class that I had taken from a guy named Michael Jackson. But this was a different Michael Jackson because this one was black. Anyway, I ended up getting enough laughs and high-fives so I figured I'd try it at least a few more times.

Thank god! Would you ever do a reality show?

I actually pitched one to Logo TV called, "Big Loud Lisa." I still think that's a great name even though I'm a lot smaller physically because I'm loud and big in other ways. I probably wouldn't do one at this point unless it was trying to make people over or helping people in some type of way. I think that would be a lot of fun to do.

Yes! Seeing you makeover people would be tremendous since you've had such a transformation yourself. Do you have any superstitions?

No. Not at all. I do have a belief in karma though and I think if you screw someone over, it's going to definitely get you in the end. But I don't think that's a superstition. It's more like a hope that anyone who screwed me over will die early somehow.

Hilarious. What about pet peeves? Do you have any of those?

I have lots of them! I hate overweight stewardesses because I remember the old days when they were hot. Now I gotta look at these bitches who look like Shrek 1 and Shrek 2. I hate people who stare at my dog because he's barking at their dog and they don't know that it's just a dog's way of saying hello. It makes me want to pummel their little dogs. It's like duh! That's a dog's language for "hello" not "I want to bite you" douche. Like a pit-bull is scared of my seven pound dog named Parker? Please! I have way too many pet peeves to list because I'm effing crazy. There's always something that bothers me!

I'm with ya! So if Hollywood made a movie about your life, who would you want to play you?

Drew Barrymore because I think she's a realistically attractive woman as a bump-up for me. Like, Drew's really, really cute and me being played by Ms. Universe is not going to work out. If they puttied her nose to make it bigger and put her in a fat suit for the first half of my life, I think Drew could maybe pull it off because she's a good enough actress.

Now that you are single again, what's a total deal breaker for you with the opposite sex?

It's different now because I'm going through a divorce so I have new deal breakers that I didn't have before. Now it would probably be someone who makes less money than me because I saw that it's pretty difficult for both the guy and a girl. Also someone who doesn't have any soul either. You know, someone who doesn't have empathy and can't feel for other people is a huge one. Even though I insult everybody on stage, I kind of feel terrible if that happens off stage. I think those are two big ones for me right now. But, that could change if I meet someone really hot who has no soul.

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