Eddie Ifft: From Altar Boy to Dirty Boy

Christopher Victorio
I thought I was going to die I was laughing so hard.
[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]

The Irvine Improv has opened its new location and on Friday, July 25th if you like your comedy rough, rugged, and raw, their one night only show with Eddie Ifft is not something you want to pass up. We've had the pleasure of talking to him last year so before he takes center stage this time, we decided to switch it up with some "Quick Questions" because if anyone can rule at this game, it's Eddie. Hands down. Here he is answering questions about his guilty pleasures, dealing with hecklers, and his antics as an altar boy.

See also: Eddie Ifft Specializes in Joking About Incredibly Fucked Up Shit

What's a memory you have from your drunkest night? The memory of no memory. Oh wait, I have a better memory. It was in Louisiana after drinking grain alcohol and I was eating possum that was cooked on a shopping cart. We were running through walls in a fraternity house and hitting golf balls into the dean's window. It was when I did a show at Southwestern Louisiana State University.

Hmmm...so it wasn't pulling your balls out on stage with Doug Stanhope in Hawaii then? Interesting. [Laughs.] I was very proud of that moment.

I would have died seeing both of you on the same stage. What a fantastic show that would be! The funny thing was there were only about 20 people in the audience! I was like, you people don't know what you just got! [Laughs.]

Lucky bastards. Back when you were single, what was your "go-to" pick up line? You wanna fool around? Also, do you want to spoon aggressively? That one worked too. I had a New Year's Eve one too that was, how you'd like to ring in New Year's with a fuck?

Did that actually work? OK no. It did not work.

Ha! Shocking! How do you like to handle hecklers? I enjoy them so I kind of play with them to see where I can take it. I feel like, why shut them down when you can be creative and do something with it?

You're opening up a can of worms with that answer. People are probably going to take full advantage of it. Yep but I love it! Bring it on!

What was your first time on stage like? The first time I think I was ever on stage, I was an altar boy. I thought the altar was a stage and I was wearing that dress that the little altar boys wear that causes them to be rape victims. I would stand over the fan that they would use to cool the stage and it would blow up and the whole crowd would laugh. My mom would be like, "It's not a crowd. It's a congregation!" So I enjoyed that.

Ok I'm dying! You were like a little altar boy Marilyn Monroe. [Laughs]. Yep! That's exactly what it was. An altar boy Marilyn Monroe. That's hilarious!

What about your first time on a comedy stage? My first stand-up was at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh and I just absolutely loved it. It was like doing heroin the first time it went in and I was like, this is it! I'm going to die doing this.

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