36 New Year's Resolutions For the Awful Music Journalist

Categories: LOL

Lori Ann / Flickr
Will music journalism always suck? Probably. MTV will always feature at least three Justin Bieber articles on its news page, and NME will continue its 1:4 ratio of articles about members of Oasis. And of course, people like me will still write articles about botching interviews and how cool nü-metal is.

But with a new year brings new hope. As part of the constant effort to create a better site and become a better music journalist, I multiplied six by six to give you the ultimate sixlist: 36 New Year's resolutions for an awful music journalist.

1. Say "yeah" more times than Rob Zombie but less times than Nelly.
2. Never find Kreayshawn attractive again.

Press Photo
Looking back, I'm kind of mystified that I ever did.

3. Put my arms around Mark McGrath, just like he asked.
4. Actually Imagine Dragons--because somehow that is less nerdy than listening to them.
5. Create and manage a new music superstar named Doug Step.
6. Create and manage a sexy pop superstar infant named Baby Goo Goo, then tour with Lady Gaga.
7. Finally pitch the show Danzig With
the Stars.
8. Replace the remaining members of the Misfits with three KISS Pez dispensers.
Robert Couse-Baker / Flickr
It would be a lateral move, at the very least...

9. Figure out if Geddy Lee from Rush is really Les Claypool from Primus' grandmother.
10. Remind myself when I am renewing my license that at least the DMV does not stand for Dave Matthews Van.
11. Incubate in Steven Tyler's chest, then burst out of it with a tinier version of me that comes out of my mouth.
12. Continue not listening to ska, even though I am impressed by a band calling themselves the Ska-Skank Redemption.

More resolutions on the next page!

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