Ask Willie D: I Have a Stalker. Help!
I LOST MY INDEPENDENCE PUTTING HIM FIRST
Dear Willie D,
Your column is awesome! I love the honest, uncut, real advice you give with that slight sense of humor that makes your column so entertaining. I read it all the time. Anyway, I need some advice. I've lost countless friendships in the five years that my fiancé and I have been together. In fact, I don't have any friends of my own anymore as we only hang out with his friends who have now become my friends.
The problem stems from his insecurities. Every time I try to plan a night without him, he acts as if it is no big deal all week. Then when the time comes he can't find anything to do without me. He then gives me the cold shoulder and treats me like I'm leaving him for good; manipulating, conniving, and ultimately convincing me to stay home and keep him entertained.
The last time I hung out with someone besides him and his friends was two years ago when I had a glass of wine at a coworker's house after work. Bug-a-boo called every 30 minutes to "check in," see if I was having fun without him and if I was coming home anytime soon.
I've told my coworkers, "I'm sorry I can't make it" so many times that they just stopped inviting me to places. I've lost my independence and therefore myself. How do I regain my independence and keep my partner's self-esteem intact?
You didn't lose your independence; you gave it away to your fiancé. But that's okay. This is fixable, because independence in a relationship is not as important as freedom. I say this because oftentimes when people bring an independent mindset into a relationship it's easier to walk away. But when they're reliant upon each other; not financially but in a social, sexual and emotional sense, the closer they are. Freedom is what you're after.
Your fiancé is controlling because he is insecure. Tell him how you feel and reassure him that you only have eyes for him. It also wouldn't hurt to break him off a little some-some before you leave or when you return from being out with friends. If he's smart, he'll come to associate your hanging out with friends as a benefit rather than an encumbrance. If that doesn't work, cling to him like Saran Wrap on a cold jailhouse sandwich.
When he's watching the game, hanging out with his boys or at the gym, prop underneath him like an armrest and ask a bunch of nagging questions. If that doesn't make him want to get a break from you, he's throwed off -- in which case you should pack your bags and run, Forrest, run!
I'M BEING HARASSED
Dear Willie D:
I have a stalker. My stalker is someone that I know. This person has gone to the extreme. First she spoofed my family and me for over a year; 5,000-plus phone calls. Now she is listening to my phone calls from the past three years as she has recorded them.
She has also hacked into my Facebook account and made up pages defaming my character. I have filed countless police reports as well as contacted the FBI, with no results. I can write a book on the past three years of my life but I really need help. What do you suggest?
This is serious. You have to continue to report the psycho to the police to protect yourself. Even if they don't take action, the fact that you legally documented the harassment could exonerate you if you ever had to physically defend yourself. You have more than enough evidence to get a court order of protection, so do it.
Delete your Facebook account and if you must have one, create a new one with stronger privacy settings. Record a journal of each incident. Take pictures, record the date, time and names of witnesses if possible. Save any text or voice messages and letters from her.
You could also hire a lawyer and file a civil-harassment lawsuit. But you will have to prove you suffered; i.e., your job was affected or you experienced bad health as a result of your stalker's actions. If you lose, you could be out a good grip of money, but if you win you might be successful in stopping the harassment for good.
You can never predict how far a crazy person will go, but you can take steps to protect yourself and make sure you don't go crazy.
More Willie D on the next page.