10 Reasons Why the Door Guy Hates You

Categories: bars

Ridiculous_Guy_Erik_Hess.jpg
Photo: Erik Hess
The Door Guy. He's seen and heard it all. Pukes puking. Bros fighting. Liars lying about the guest list to get by him. Drunks falling. Your "Turn up!" is his "Calm down!" Frankly, he hates you. Here are 10 reasons why you can't blame him.

See also: 15 Things That Annoy the Shit Out of Your Local Sound Guy

Your Public Sex
Seriously. It happens. And ew. It's worse in big clubs with lots of nooks and crannies. Nobody wants to glance over to a private, discreet, darkened corner during their favorite band playing to see people banging. But people's definition of "private" and "discreet" get pretty loose by the end of an evening, and suddenly, that naughty turn-on you might experience finding a hidden spot to get dirty just turns into people averting their eyes and pretending they aren't seeing what they're actually seeing. For real. Ew.

But more important than the total ew factor is that when people go to bars and night clubs, they drink. And sometimes they drink until they make bad decisions, and sometimes they drink until they aren't capable of making decisions. Which means that when you and your special friend for the next five minutes get caught awkwardly trying to maintain an erection while not knocking over a bar stool, any door guy or bouncer in town isn't going to know if what's happening is two people having consensual (but totally gross) sex or something else. Yuck. Don't do it. If you see it, tattle.

Your Impossible Expectations
On the topic of tattling, the Door Guy is not omnipotent and cannot be everywhere at once. There's no such thing as instant response time, and sometimes things that shouldn't happen still happen. When it does, it is absolutely not a negative reflection on the venue or its staff. Random acts of oral or violence are exactly that -- random.

Mouths2_Erik_Hess.jpg
Photo by Erik Hess
What's right with this picture? No one is using their face as a wallet. Thank you

Your Icky Mouth
It doesn't matter if it's the hottest day of summer or the deadest day of winter, if your hands are full of your fixie's saddle bags or you're just trying to peel off seven layers of gloves, please, for the love of God, don't put your ID, your ticket or your money in your mouth. Your mouth is not a convenient caddy when your hands are otherwise occupied. It is a disgusting germ factory full of filth. When you put something in it that is going to be in the Door Guy's hand five seconds later, yeah, THIS IS WHY THE HE HATES YOU.



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