Six Music Acts That Should've Been Pro Wrestlers
"The Blizzard Beasts"
Immortal is a Norweigan black metal band. They had a video where someone was breathing fire and another member of the band was wearing a witch's hat. The band's former guitarist, Demonaz, got tendinitis in his arm from shredding so fast all the time. They also all have beautiful hair.
Finishing Move: "The Church Burner" - Frontman Abbath breathes fire while Immortal's beefy drummer Horgh performs a Satanic ritual around the collapsed body of their foe. The lights in the arena spontaneously turn off and when they turn on a few minutes later, all that remains is a smoldering pile of bones.
1. John Popper
"Blue Bayou Boy"
Everyone knows that John Popper lost a lot of weight and stopped wearing that cool fishing vest. But had he chosen a different path, the formerly heavy harmonica howler could've entered the wrestling world as the Blue Bayou Boy, a down-home big ol' boy with a penchant for literally throwing his weight around. As I'm looking up pictures of the guy, the idea runs through my head that maybe I shouldn't be making jokes about a dude who got arrested with fourteen weapons in his car. While probably pretty stoned.
Finishing Move: "The Popper's Popper Popper" - the Blues Traveler initiates a devastating chokehold and forces his opponent to huff some amyl nitrite (otherwise known as a "popper"). Our soulful hero then climbs to the top and performs a seated butt drop on the dazed challenger. After being announced as the winner, his coach dumps a bucket of crayfish over his head.