The 10 Lamest Bands of the '90s

Categories: douchebaggery

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Photo by Groovehouse
311 at Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, July 2012
Talk to some people (we guess), and they'll tell you that '90s nostalgia is the only kind of nostalgia that matters. But let's be honest: Within the '90s-rock spectrum, as far as quality is concerned, there a few groups like Pearl Jam, The Deftones, Live and Sound Garden who (in our opinion) all land in the first couple of tiers. Other acts from that period were a lot, lot worse.

But who, you ask, might those be? Wouldn't you know it, recently we put that very question to a few of our writers.

311
311's music is all lame post-grunge/reggae/jam band horseshit with no edge or art. Face it: frat boys getting into alternative rock ruined it. Ever wonder why indie rock sometimes goes out of its way to be effeminate and twee? This is why. They don't want bro-dudes coming in and douching up the place again. Every time the band cares more about being rock stars than about their craft, you can bet the end result will be terrible. JOHN SEABORN GRAY


4 Non Blondes
I took an informal poll of worst bands of the 1990s and just one person returned with 4 Non Blondes. Good enough. I threw out Nickelback's hanging chads and elected this group. Warbling singing, inane lyrics, Linda Perry looking like the love child of Natalie Merchant and The Scarecrow in that video - and that was just one song, "What's Up," maybe the worst ever written. What's up is your band was hands down the lamest of its era. JESSE SENDEJAS JR.


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Photo by Craig Hlavaty
Dave Matthews circa 2009
Aqua
Aqua knew how to write a dance hit. They could wrote some catchy dance backtracks, but when it came to the lyrics and the delivery, they had a little trouble. For one, their female vocalist sounded like she spent too much time watching Disney movies while eating massive amounts of candy.

Then there's the issue of male vocalist René Dif, who might be what pushed Aqua over the edge in terms of lame. Regardless, I'm sure there are plenty of ladies out there proudly sporting "Barbie Girl" as their ringtone. ALYSSA DUPREE


Dave Matthews Band
They're what lawyers and stockbrokers listen to when they want to pretend to be funky. I'm willing to bet DMB have been the soundtrack to more insider trading than every other band combined. From Dave's heavily affected voice to the limp-noodle meanderings of the Grateful Dead-lite band behind him, there's just nothing here for anyone who doesn't get a big thrill out of lighting up a joint at exactly one DMB concert a year, corporate random drug testing policy be damned. JOHN SEABORN GRAY


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