Ask Willie D: I'm a Pastor Who Cheated, and My Wife Will Kill Me. Help!
Dear Willie D:
My boyfriend behaves like he grew up in the sticks. Well, actually he did. He's from Pensacola, Florida, but he doesn't have to advertise it. He's a 36-year-old carpenter with a college degree, so you would think he'd know better. This is a man who leaves the seat up on the toilet, licks his fingers, blows his nose while sitting at the table for dinner, and refuses to tip without being reminded.
His sister is my cousin's girlfriend, so that's how we met. But she is nothing like him and he was certainly not like that when we met. His embarrassing antics are affecting our relationship. How do I get him to stop acting so uncivilized? I'm not planning on breaking up with him or anything; I just want to smooth out the rough edges.
Sincerely, Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners,
What can you tell a 36-year-old grown man about manners that he hasn't already heard? His animal instincts seem to be on full display whenever he's in public. Have you considered donating him to the city zoo?
Maybe you should boycott going to restaurants or eating at the table with him until he's willing to behave more humanely. Because he does what he does out of habit, he can change.
In Asia, where many people eat with their hands, it's a sign of gratitude when you lick your fingers. It tells the host that you're enjoying your meal. But my Rome is America, and I can't stand to see people lick their fingers while eating. How much difference can slurping a gram of sauce off your index finger make to satisfying your hunger pains?
As irking as finger-licking is to me, it is absolutely disgusting to witness somebody blow his nose at the table, especially while I'm eating. Interestingly enough, I see this happening more often at fancy, expensive restaurants than at shabby ones in the hood. But what can you do about it?
As Jay-Z so eloquently put it, "You can pay for school but you can't buy class."
Dear Willie D:
For the past five years, I've been trapped in the friend zone with my BFF. He is the sweetest, most handsome guy I know. He has always been there for me and I have been there for him. We do everything together except have sex. We share some of the same friends and they are always teasing us about how we should hook up, but we just laugh and blow them off.
You have no idea how bad I want to just walk up to him and plant a big wet one on his lips. The only thing keeping me from doing so is I'm afraid that being in an intimate relationship might jeopardize our friendship.
Also, if his feelings aren't mutual I would be crushed. I just broke up with my boyfriend and he's single, so I feel like it's now or never. But being a girl I don't feel like it's ladylike for me to make the first move. From a guy perspective, if he liked me, wouldn't he have said so by now?
Sincerely, Friend Zone
Dear Friend Zone:
If your friend wants to take your relationship to the next level, he has already indicated it. You just have to pick up on his body language. Being overly protective, jealous of other guys in your life and touchy-feely gestures when he's around you are all tell-tale signs that he could be interested in being your boyfriend.
If I thought there might be a chance for me to be with the woman I loved, I would take it. If I fail, I fail, but nobody will ever be able to say I didn't try. When I'm on my deathbed, if I have any regrets let them be for the things I did, not for the things I wanted to do but didn't.
Go get your man!