[Exene Says . . .] Lady Gaga Toothbrush Blues

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Exene Cervenka
Exene Cervenka is a writer, visual artist and punk rock pioneer. The OC transplant is the lead singer for X, the Knitters and Original Sinners. Her new column, Exene Says..., is her space to basically just write what's on her mind, everything from crazy life stories to political theories and observations about what's going on in this fucked up world of ours. To contact her, send all messages to askexene@ocweekly.com.


Dr. Gerald Crabtree, professor of pathology and developmental biology at Stanford University (home of the infamous Stanford Prison Experiment), published a paper titled "Trends In Genetics."

I'll paraphrase here: The ancient Greeks had greater intellectual and emotional intelligence than humans have now. In fact, humans 6,000 ago would outwit us. Dr. Crabtree cites genetic studies, and he's very accomplished--a genius kinda guy.

I have no doubt he is correct, just from the evidence I see all around me.

I recently discovered at my local 24-hour pharmacy a Lady Gaga singing toothbrush for only $9.99! It plays two songs: one for brushing in the morning, the other at night. Printed prominently on the back of the package is this line: "Research shows a 73 percent increase in brushing time."

It's all made in China, of course, so who knows what level of toxicity and slavery karma comes with it. But hey, as long as America can condition its kids into brushing a little longer using pop songs, all is forgiven, right? All you gotta add is sodium-fluoride toothpaste, brush long enough to really work that chemical into the bloodstream, then rinse with more of it in the tap water. There are studies about the danger of toothpaste regarding IQ that would scare the crap out of you.

I agree with Dr. Crabtree that decreasing intelligence is a problem, but he and I parted company when he said this in the article: "We'll be able to deal with this problem with a range of humane and ethical solutions."

And this: "We may be able to magically correct any mutation that has occurred in all cells of any organism at any development stage. Thus the brutish process of natural selection will be unnecessary."

Immediate red flags in those statements included words such as "humane," "ethical," "solutions," "magically" and, of course, "thus the brutish process of natural selection will be unnecessary." As far as using humane and ethical solutions, I feel that should go without saying. But the way Crabtree says "solution" in the article makes it sound as if he's talking about a, uh, Final Solution. And I didn't know we had the ability to "magically correct" things--hey, that's great! I believe in magic AND science, too! And as far as nature is concerned, Crabtree is right; it's so damn brutish!

Let's all just take solace in knowing there is a perfectly humane, ethical, Magic Bullet solution to our stupidity epidemic. And I'm sure it won't hurt a bit.

 

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