Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

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Michael Angelo Batio

Hey, we can all appreciate a quality guitar god. Anyone who considers themselves a fan of music knows the joy of watching their favorite axe man/woman go on a tear and destroy the crowd with their fast-fingered prowess, signature style and lush mane of flowing hair. It's the textbook rock-n-roll sexy factor that has been selling concert tickets, signature guitars, and posters for decades. But when you're a world-class guitar player and you know it, there's a fine line between sexy and, well, douchey. You know, that rocker who poses on his knees for just a little too long, gives us just a little too much "O" face during every solo and is hell bent to show us all how many guitars he/she can play at once. History (namely the 80s) is full of these guys, but Douchey Guitar Player Disease (aka DGPD) is still a scourge on the music industry today. With that in mind, we'd like to present our list of the Top 10 Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time.


10. John Mayer
 If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour lemon face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's our boy John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of god, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20. Did he just come in his pants?



9. Yngwie Malmsteen

This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the 80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, that guy is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.





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95 comments
Beard1
Beard1

Meanwhile, play any YouTube video of a kid who shreds and all the guitarists will say he/she plays with no soul because they DON'T make these faces.

mjquadracer
mjquadracer

bro your the douche! Yngwie Malmsteen never took lessons from joe satriani! get your facts straight!



Ktulu
Ktulu

wow, you truly are a fucking idiot.  No long speech pointing out all of your flawed thoughts could ever convince you of your own stupidity, because unfortunately for yourself, your head is obviously jammed so far up your own ass, you wear yourself as a hat.

bdimar75
bdimar75

This article pisses me off... Yet another installment from this new generation of musical wrecking crew writers who focus on (what they percieve to be) one or two negatives about someone in hopes to destroy all they've accomplished in the music scene. If you know their name and their music is being discussed then they were able to reach people. They had the balls to put their music out there for everyone to judge and they succeeded. I'm so sick and tired of these shallow writers that feel they can tell the world what isn't cool with their expanded vocabulary in hopes of getting some notoriety. Every musician listed had incredible skills they sacrificed most of their lives to attain. Because they believed in themselves. And they reached people enough to become household names. To condemn them is condemning in some small part everyone who bought their album or appreciated their work. Which in my opinion is more testament to this writers inability to understand our culture over the decades than him actually having anything enlightening to write about.

Anon
Anon

Oh it started off so well. But no. Maybe Vai is a little arrogant, but he's not in the realm of douche as the others, and Satriani is definitely not a douche. Where the hell is Kirk Hammett?

Aric Villarreal
Aric Villarreal

I saw Vai at the Sun Theatre (that's how it's spelled...talk about douchey!) on a date back in '99. It was fun, but I don't remember any of the songs because it was, well, a wankfest.

Bradley Drex McCollum
Bradley Drex McCollum

Yeah Josh it's old. Seems part of Voice Medias business model is to fire writers and just regurgitate the same crap articles over and over.

Josh English
Josh English

Didn't you have this same story, two or three years ago, with the same pic? ;-)

Will Roland
Will Roland

John Mayer...an "accomplished jazz zzz shredder"? I think not. Every time some mediocre pop guitar icon picks up an L5 all of a sudden he's a jazz virtuoso. Please.

Wendy De La Puente
Wendy De La Puente

Not saying he is not a great guitarist. Just a douche. This article doesn't seem to care about talent.

Ron Jessurun
Ron Jessurun

DGPD! New song title! Hahaha! I'm a guitarist and actually agree with most of these, but a few are real talents, c'mon! Funny article though!

Trooper Hales
Trooper Hales

Seems like Dave Navarro should be on the list

Jaime Meza
Jaime Meza

Eddie Ivan Aquino-Cruz Osvaldo Gomez

Gabriel Torres
Gabriel Torres

Any pendejo from oc that played a show at chain and thinks he's the shit at his local HS

Darrin Miller
Darrin Miller

Sorry, OC Weekly, I'm a fan, but you missed the mark this time. This is The Douchiest Article of All Time.

Tracy Bingaman
Tracy Bingaman

Tom Peterson of Cheap Trick! If I wasn't 13 at the time, I would've whipped his ass!

Wendy De La Puente
Wendy De La Puente

Dave Mustaine...is one of them..I had a huge argument with that guy...why he bothered wasting his time I have no idea..but he was really drunk..oh yeah....he is a horrible drunk!!!

TMan11
TMan11

The only douche here is this blogger!

tongue_twister_for_t
tongue_twister_for_t topcommenter

Oh someone that I forgot that's also not a douce. Walter Trout!

tongue_twister_for_t
tongue_twister_for_t topcommenter

Two Words: Buddy Guy (and he is NOT a Douce!) Not in the slightest sense.

tongue_twister_for_t
tongue_twister_for_t topcommenter

Let's see YOU get up there and do what they do. That'll show ya.

tongue_twister_for_t
tongue_twister_for_t topcommenter

That's funny, look at the guy on the other side of him laughing as if he thinks that he's upstaging BB King. Yeah, Right. 

Berzerker37
Berzerker37

I watched a video where Vai flicked his tongue and then winked at a couple of 14yr old girls in the crowd. It was the sleasiest thing I've ever witnessed. And yes, he definitely thinks he's God's gift to the world. When in fact, he can only be taken in the slightest of doses...

slop101
slop101

All the butthurt in these comments is hilarious. All of them, ridiculous fan-boys, oblivious to the fact that this article is making fun of these guitarits' attitudes and mannerisms, rather than their ability, which are mostly exemplary. Bu I honestly cannot take more than 10 seconds of any of these guitarists' self-indulgent masturbation.

Gerard Iribe
Gerard Iribe

Nevermind, just read the entire article. It's satire. With the exception of a couple of cats on there this article is full of chorro.

Gerard Iribe
Gerard Iribe

So the title implies that Wes Borland is a douche? Uh, no.

Rafael Salazar
Rafael Salazar

Satriani , Eddie and Via are Guitar Gods. and Rhoads

Noe Alamillo
Noe Alamillo

No one can top yngwie. Not even steve vai and his seventh string. Dare to hum along to yngwie.

1wayfaringpilgrim
1wayfaringpilgrim

Most of these cats would do well to heed the words of Ry Cooder; "Someitmes the most important notes are the ones you don't play."

Heard Mentality
Heard Mentality

^^Word, papa. Thanks. It's been our pleasure to serve!

Drue Mitchell
Drue Mitchell

Heard Mentality you have improved my music collection, nuthin but mad respects :-)

Heard Mentality
Heard Mentality

^^ok, just make sure to read the ones we write, okay? I'm SURE you always do...just saying

Drue Mitchell
Drue Mitchell

more historical well researched articles on fact,..pretty please?

pasalcido
pasalcido

How in the hell did Kirk Hammett not make this list. Although I will concede there are some pretty big douches on this list if John Mayer only made the 10 spot.

Rafael Salazar
Rafael Salazar

the hair styles were the best! That was brutal, I was laughing the whole time. there is a lot of hatin' goin on..

Chris Kennedy
Chris Kennedy

Dan Palmer , Wes Borland & John Mayer are the ONLY 2 on this list I could listen to..lol. Now to get you on the list...

Dan Palmer
Dan Palmer

I love all these guitarists except for Wes Borland and John Mayer. Esteban is the best!!

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