Top 10 Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender
"How much are your well drinks?" Totally acceptable. Asking about a specific beer or liquor price is also fine, but the key word there is a specific item. If you'd like to see a drink menu, I'll happily give you one, but I'm not going to hold your hand and wipe your ass and name drink prices because you are cheap and don't know what you want. People this concerned with prices usually tip like shit anyway and aren't worth the time. Go out to your car and huff some nail-polish remover if you need a bargain buzz that bad.
And never ask, "How much are your drinks?"
Do you head over to the ol' Cheesecake Factory and ask how much a meal is? Or go to Guitar Center and ask how much are the guitars? Well, sometimes they're $100; sometimes, they're $5,000; and sometimes, they're those hideous, green, BC Rich guitars they can't even give away. Prices may vary, brainiac.
How much are drinks? You're in luck: It's $10 You-Call-It for Total Dipshits Night every Tuesday here!
6. Touch me, for any reason.
Unless you want your next drink thrown at you, that is. This especially applies to female bartenders. We didn't come to work tonight to get touched by some drunken goon. I don't care if you're just really trying to get my attention, trying to flirt, or throwing a punch because I cut you off. Didn't your mother ever teach you to keep your hands to yourself?
5. Have no idea what you want.
It's always the guy flapping his arms like a big shitty bird that has no idea what he wants when you finally get to him. Yes, sir! What's the emergency? Your goofy haircut is on fire, and you need a cup of water to put it out? Oh, you just need a drink. But you don't even know what the drink is. I'll come back to you in a little while after I help every other customer, then polish every glass and rearrange the fruit tray seven times, making sure you wait long enough to realize that you're a douchebag.