Here Is the Mixtape I Made For the Guys Who Keep Breaking Into My Car
I placed the note and the tape and CD inside the center console, all packaged together. I didn't put a bow on it because this isn't a Disney movie. The tape's tracklist: Janis Joplin, "Piece Of My Heart"
Hi. So you're the guys that keep breaking into my car? That's cool, I guess. I'm S. This car is mine. While I am not exactly pleased with the thought of strange men digging through my stuff, I do appreciate that you have not broken any windows or torn up my dash or urinated on my seats. Thank you for that. At any rate, I made you a mixtape. It has songs about how this whole process has made me feel. I hope you enjoy it. Or, I don't know, I guess it's really not all that important that you enjoy it. Whatevs. Really, I'd just like for you to please stop entering my car. Or at the very least, please close the door all of the way after you leave. Last time you left it open and the steering wheel got all sticky. Morning air has a lot of dew in it, y'know? Thanks. It would be a TOTAL dick move for you to bust out my windows now, so long as you know.
Most applicable line: "Why don't you just come on. Come on, take it. Take another little piece of my heart now, baby." Because getting my car broken into makes me sad, obvs. It's a very deflating way to start the workday. I just walk out there, see the door cracked open, realize what's happened, then go, "...[sigh] motherfuckers."
Almost all of these picks are this clichéd, BTW. Sorry. It's just, I didn't want to be so clever that the message became byzantine. I mean, I guess it's not entirely implausible that the assailant is a hyperintelligent music nerd, but it's probably more likely that he's addicted heroin.
Lily Allen, "Fuck You Very Much"
Most applicable line: Look inside, look inside your tiny mind. Then look a bit harder. 'Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired of all the hatred you harbor.
Yelawolf, "Fuck You"
Most applicable line: "Fuck you, fuck you, fuuu-uuuu---uuuuck you." In case the cheer-cheer-cheeriness of Lily Allen's charm usurped the menace in the lyrics.
Z-Ro, "I Hate You, Bitch"
Most applicable line: "Why you gotta put all this drama in my life?" Because obviously.
Monica, "Don't Take It Personal"
Most applicable line: "It's just one of them days, that a girl goes through... I sit and I think about everything we do and I find myself in misery and that ain't cool." I'm a great big girl, it appears.
Also: I just really love the idea of this gritty, grimy guy in a black sweatshirt and black beanie pulled down low over his brow sitting there listening to Monica. Also also: If the burglar was born anytime before 1983, then this song touched his existence in 1995 when it was released. When it comes springing on, it's almost impossible not to smile. And everyone deserves a moment like that. Even shitty people.