How to Tell If Something is Metal as Fuck

Categories: Metal
This dude knows

Words by Paul T. Bradley / Photoillustrations by Jake Swearingen

There are few certainties in this world. Sure, the sun comes up pretty regularly, tax day comes every April and whatnot. But that's about it. Heck, even the heavy metal community is rudderless when it comes to its own standards. Why, recently at a Lamb of God show we overheard various groups of dudes identifying things as "metal as fuck" that were clearly not "metal as fuck." Have they no shame? Most likely they just haven't been educated. Metal as fuck-ness needs a scale by which supreme judgment is facilitated. It's not something that we can specifically lay out for you -- that would not be metal as fuck. But check out our guide below for some pointers.

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Don't forget to add yourself to the "Not Metal..." column for making this list


If Egg McMuffins aren't metal, then fuck metal. We'll come up with something darker and edgier and we'll call it "Egg McMetal" and it'll be more brutal than any crappy normal-metal.

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