To All the Baldists in the Entertainment Industry: Fuck You!
Other heroes on the list besides Oldham, King and Halford include the Pixies' Frank Black, Tool's Maynard James Keenan, Joe Satriani, Seal, Billy Corgan, Peter Gabriel, Michael Stipe, and yeah...even Phil Collins. Collins did the bald world a favor by just putting his goofy mug and partially denuded scalp front and center on his third solo album No Jacket Required. He might as well have called it Balls of Steel.
Think this is all just a bunch of bullshit? We don't blame you. Just shave your head, go hang out with some nice folks in nice parts of town and see how many people think they've met you before. Worse yet, see how many idiot bros give you this exchange:
You: Hello, sir.
Baldist: You're Tyler's cousin, right?
You: I am not related to any Tylers that I know of.
Baldist: Can you teach me how to fight?
Baldist: Look, I really want to get into MMA and I need some pointers.
Yes, about 80 percent of famous MMA fighters are bald and, yes, this happens even when I'm horribly out of shape.
At the very least, please take a second to look beyond hair and help us fight the forces of baldism. (Do not, under any circumstances, pat our heads uninvited.)
Because you never know when you might start to thin out on top. We're looking at you, Slash. Why don't you show us what's under that hat, dude?