|Marcos Godoy Godchaux|
If Lookout! Records
still existed, Orange County
foursome the Hoagies
would be the ideal group for the label. Take one part three-chord punk a la the Queers
and one part '70s rock a la the Donnas
and you've got the Hoagies.
However, there's more to the Hoagies than just a fascination with '90s Bay Area
punk. You see, the Hoagies like sandwiches. A lot. So much in fact that the foursome (singer King Hoagie
, guitarist Tony "No" Bologna
, drummer/keyboardist Sloppy Joe
and bassist Rye Bread
) are about to release a 12-song record titled Cold Cuts
that includes songs such as "Rye or Die," "I Wanna Grinder" and "I'm Gonna Put It In Your Pita."
Joke and/or themed bands almost always suck, but don't go dismissing the Hoagies as the punchline to a joke no one ever told because the songs are actually really good. In fact, Cold Cuts
is so rockingly catchy that I, a vegan, not only enjoy the record, I'm thinking about getting a pastrami on sourdough right this second.
OK, that's a lie, but I did like the songs enough to devote an entire six minutes coming up with questions to email the band. Here, in not even remotely close to their entirety, are their pickled answers.
OC Weekly (Ryan Ritchie): I'm vegan, so why should I give a shit about any of these songs?
Tony "No" Bolonga: You shouldn't. You should grow a pair, eat a cheesesteak and THEN listen to our songs.
Sloppy Joe: Seriously? What kind of fucktarded way is that to start an interview?!
Rye: So the first question is about you. Journalism fail. Even though you would prefer a shit sandwich, I can't judge.
King Hoagie: Take it easy, guys. We're not a political band. He should give a shit about these songs because there are plenty of cucumbers on most of my sand--wait. Do cucumbers have eyes? Shit. Focus on flavorful spreads. Aioli? Is that a thing?
Your bio says you have a hunger for "hot, beefy sandwiches." It also says your hometown is Long Beach, so...
SJ: Are you looking for a recommendation? I've become a fan of Jersey Mike's. Shit's FRESH!
Rye Bread: I once gave a knuckle sandwich to some punks at Zed Records.
What I mean to say in that previous question is this: Have you played with Gayrilla Biscuits?
SJ: Let me consult our extensive database of past shows...no.
RB: Some people enjoy a mouthful of sausage, and others a mouthful of sausage. We would fall in the second category.
Is it just a coincidence that your song "Midnight Pork" is an exact rip-off of the Hot Snakes' "Automatic Midnight?" And is it a coincidence that I pulled a midnight pork on a girl this weekend?
SJ: We have been asked that very same question by several members of the press
and, coincidentally enough, the fine gentleman who wrote that tune was raised in a world devoid of Sw@mi. It was something of an act of god, not unlike two identical snowflakes. You don't just melt that twin snowflake now, do you? As for you, I'd like to pull a hot snake on you this weekend.
TB: I don't believe in coincidences. Or that you were pulling anything other than your own pork, jabroni.
KH: Your girlfriend sounds like a real keeper. And to answer your question...there
are no coincidences in punk rock, only carb loading. That's a quote. John Brannon, I think? Your readers can look that up.
Just how does Sloppy Joe play both drums and keyboards? Is he the anti- Def Leppard guy or something?
TB: He's the anti-Def Leppard guy, but only inasmuch as he wants to fistfight Joe Elliott.
SJ: see above.
RB: He drums like a one armed man in a BLT eating contest.
KH: That's a low blow, bro. Blow My Fuse was a great drumming record. Your readers can look that up.
Your demo is called "Cold Cuts," yet we've already established that you prefer "hot, beefy sandwiches." So can I just assume this whole thing is a farce and I should go back to listenting to serious music such as LMFAO?
SJ: Who's tape are you calling a "demo," buddy?! To answer your question, we like sandwiches from all walks of life. Hot sandwiches. Cold cut sandwiches. Greek sandwiches. Fuck You sandwiches. You name it!
RB: I don't know who died and made you the Earl of Sandwich. Two pieces of bread, some animal by-product in the middle and there you go. I had a mayonnaise sandwich last night and I am still picking crumbs out of the couch.
TB: [Sets to work carving a swastika into interviewer's forehead]
KH: My pregnant girlfriend microwaves all cold cuts. Something about food poisoning or some shit. She's kind of a whiner, but I love her.