Jim Jefferies On Drinking and What Makes For a Great-Looking Penis

What do I consider being a great-looking dick? Well, that's a good question. That's a question that no one has ever asked me! I think it's got to have hair nowhere near the shaft because I have some shaft hairs that I don't understand. Little to no scarring because I have a bit of scarring ...

Wait. Scarring? Oh my God why?

You know, you have things cut out and stuff. An ingrown hair once, nothing too major.

Pheww! OK go on ...

Yeah so no out of control scarring, and I think you want to have it circumcised. I think the balls should be attractive as well to go along with the dick. And it should be straight. When mine is erect it sort of turns to a bit of an angle. I don't think it has to be super long but a nice width to it, from what I've been told it's the right way to go.

Wow that's a lot of qualifications. Do you make up for your not so great dick with any fun tricks?

Do I have any tricks sexually because my dick's not very nice? [Laughs.] Well sneezing or punching. If you can knock a girl out she might wake up and think it was all right. Choking, I'm a choker. Any girl you can choke during sex until she starts sort of passing out will make them think they've got something more attractive than they've got.

Thank you for giving the ladies a heads up! Are you still doing something with FX called Legit? What's up with that?

Yeah! We're still working on that! I just did another script for it so we're still working on scripts as we speak.

Can't wait! I'm also a big fan of your podcast with Eddie Ifft, "Talkin' Shit." For anyone who might not be familiar, how would you personally describe it?

The podcast is different in a way that, well, a lot podcasts just interview a lot of comedians. I do it with Eddie and there are also some neighbors in it, a few of our friends, and interns. It's more like a radio show because we don't really chat about stand-up comedy too much. It's shock radio or something like that. Apart from that, we have a guy that we beat up on named Jason. Jason is probably like a sadder version on Karl Pilkington. Jason was just a harmless stoner guy that was sleeping on our couch and we decided to give him a podcasting career.

He seems to like the abuse. I was a huge fan of the HBO show Six Feet Under and I thought I read you were on the show, but I don't remember you on it! True or false?

I don't remember ever being on Six Feet Under, so I'm going to say I've never been on. There was an Australian girl on there, maybe someone mixed me up with her. Maybe people think I am Rachel Griffiths. She's got a horrible-looking penis as well. It's so scarred up that now it's inverted and looks like a vagina. It was a horrible accident involving boiling water and an old machete during the filming of Muriel's Wedding. It's never been the same since.

Oh my God your mind is so quick and so filthy! I love it. Do you ever look on Twitter to see what people are saying about you?

[Laughs.] Thank you. No, I don't look for comments, I just don't need it. Also I get sick of comments like, "This comic is better than that comic" and for the most part, most of us comics get along with each other. We're all friends. This whole rivalry thing is brought up by the comedy nerds who run forums and stuff like that. It's like when Whitney Houston died they asked Mariah Carey about it because she was her rival. And Mariah was like, we were friends, I didn't have a rivalry with her! It's like that to me.

Get your Jim Jefferies fix by checking out his website www.JimJefferies.ning.com, follow him on Twitter @JimJefferies, and catch his podcast with Eddie Ifft, "Talkin Shit" here. Pick up tickets to see Jim at the Irvine Improv this Friday through Sunday (May 4th - May 6th) by calling 949-854-5455 or by logging onto www.improv.com The Improv is located at 71 Fortune Drive Irvine, CA 92618.