3hree Things: On Kate Upton's Carl's Jr. Commercial

Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, where Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.



That's Carl's Jr.'s new commercial for Kate Upton's boobs the Southwest Patty Melt, an 890 calorie pepper-laden, gut-busting wad of regret. Those of you who are familiar with this column are probably aware of my previous dalliances with the Carl's Jr. Loaded Burrito and McDonald's McRib. I regret to inform you that (in the interest of not having a heart attack at age 40, not having the time nor desire to devote an entire day to spritzing and sploorting my skivvies for your amusement, and trying to uphold the integrity of a "diet" that I'm hanging on to by the tiniest of tiny threads) I did not and will not be eating and writing about the Southwest Patty Melt (unless someone wants to start a Kickstarter fund to pay for my quadruple bypass). Instead, I've decided to do a brief play-by-play of this commercial (and some deleted scenes) and show you why, rather than making me hungry or making the front of my pants feel a little funny, it just makes me laugh (and vow never to eat a Southwest Patty Melt).
1) Act I

0:00 - 0:02 - What is this, a commercial for Ruby's? The good old-fashioned retro-style burger joint tha-

0:03 - Is that Kate Upton? I barely recognized her in clothes...she's doing ads for Rub-

0:04 - Gah. Carl's Jr. This bound to get all drippy, gross and porny in 3...2...1...

0:05 - We have liftoff! I guess they don't wrap burgers anymore. They just gently place a perfectly constructed burger inside a bag that's never been closed or handled.

0:06 - 0:07 - Not pictured: Kate unwraps the burger and several greyish withered jalapeños fall on to the car seat, while a stream of Santa Fe sauce (featuring "Grill Flavor"!) and hamburger grease drips down the sleeve of her fuzzy pink sweater.

0:08 - 0:09 - First bite. Isn't this normally the part where the patty shoots out of the back and lands in your lap?

0:10 - Wearing a headband while eating this mess is far too practical. You know what would make this burger great? A MOUTHFUL OF HAIR.

0:11 - 0:13 - Whoa. Straight for the jalapeños. Bold move. 

0:14 - SHE'S GOT THE SWEATS. SOMEBODY FIND THIS WOMAN A TOILET.


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10 comments
Randkolsen
Randkolsen

Disgusting!  This newest commercial is repulsive! The bag between her legs is especially offensive.  Nasty soft porn!   Can you say "boycott?" 

Hansy
Hansy

It is testing the limits of the internet.

Eeag55
Eeag55

You put your commercials out on a regular basis, not selling the burgers, but selling sex.  No wonder you are included in the many ads that focus their attention on pedophilia, sex crimes, child molestation.  Your level of intelligence and class is below the gutter level and you have absolutely nothing to be proud of.  Too bad the model thinks so little of herself and not see herself as a woman and lady; that's what happens when her identity  has been forever compromised.  How very sad for our young children.

Lcyphere
Lcyphere

Seriously...  you'll lose control of your bodily functions if you eat a jalapeno burger?Only reason I even found this blog... was I saw the commercial and wanted to find out who the babe was.

Rayann Castro
Rayann Castro

" Kate falls off the hood of the car, simultaneously sharts here dress, and starts crying." Holy hell, that just sounds like a horrible drive-in experience...Danny and Sandy would have been terrified. 

Adam Metcalf
Adam Metcalf

The first cut in the epilogue is gnarly. Wow. 

As sad as I am to see you're not going to risk your life and limb, as well as all functionality of your internal core, I can't blame you one bit. 

Glassjaw
Glassjaw

Sounds like someone needs a break from TV, everyone knows it's grimy.  Go outside.

udflyer86
udflyer86

If you just found this blog you won't understand, as explained in the first few paragraphs.  It's funny, so laugh a little

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