3hree Things: On Super Bowl XLVI Gear

Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, where Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.

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It's a hockey goalie's mask. Or a maple leaf. Or a bee (kinda).

The Super Bowl. Have you heard of it? It's the most superb of bowls (!!!), featuring the mightiest team from the National Football Conference (that got hot at the right time of year and won two or three games) versus the mightiest team from the American Football Conference (that also got hot at the right time of year and won two or three games) in a showdown of gritty, gutty, footy balls. This year, America's favorite TV commercial fest and awkward halftime show spritzed with sporadic football things moves itself to Indianapolis (AKA- "America's Yawn") and will feature the Giants of New York (starring the Manning brother with healthy neck, but similarly weird face) and the Patriots of Insufferable Sports Fan Land (starring the guy that has sex with supermodels and wins all of the everything...always). Good times, they're on the horizon.

Now, imagine you're not a fan of either team. (Or don't imagine, because you really aren't.) Imagine you're invited to a Super Bowl party. Imagine you're someone that doesn't care about the food, and booze and camaraderie that a Super Bowl party affords you. You want to look and feel like you "get it", right? Like you're "in the know" as they say. Like this weekend is just SUPER (and bowly) and you're fully onboard even though you don't have a dog in the fight or a horse in the race or a turd in the punchbowl or...whatever. Right?

I've done a little bit of legwork here and perused NFL.com's Super Bowl XLVI gear so that you (via express shipping) can be decked out in the proper gear for your Super Bowl party.

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1) Headwear

Men's

"Dude, the Pro Bowl was last week. What's the deal? Did you go to it?"

"Well...no, but, man...I'm just a big fan of the NFC ya know, an-"

"You don't have a favorite team?"

"Well...I'm just...it's like...I, uh..."

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Ladies'

INT. - NFL.com Merchandise Design Board Room

Boss Guy: What's the cheapest embroidered font we can slap on these budget choo-choo train hats for them gals that don't know shit about football but wanna hang out and graze on finger foods for six hours at a Super Bowl party?

Other guy: Golly boss, that'd probably be Comic Sans, but that's a damn hard sell. We'll have to class it up with some kinda cursive type thing if we wanna rope 'em in.

Boss Guy: When I think "class", I think bedazzlin'. Wife's been doin' it to her jeans since '98. You should see how many heads it turns.

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2) Apparel

Men's

"Is that The Silver Surfer's misshapen penis?"

"No. It's the Super Bowl trophy."

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Ladies'

Alphabet soup, a map of Indiana and The Silver Surfer's misshapen penis floating in a bowl of oatmeal. SEXY.

3) Collectibles
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Floor Mats

"Oops. I just spilled a bowl of your wife's inedible seven-layer dip on a photoshop job done by a nine-year-old."

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Clocks

Dickhead: What time is iiiiiiiiiiiiiit?!

Guy Who Is Tired Because his Kids Are Savages: 1:50? Also...that clock sucks.

Dickhead: BEER THIRTFIFTY!







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5 comments
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annika
annika

awesomely silly as usual. hope you can enjoy your super bowl.luckily we dont do it here in germany, or at least the hype doesnt come anywhere near me.Cause i think i would just be in it for the food :Pmaking and eating it hahaha.

Smhawk35
Smhawk35

Dude, I bought that same choo choo hat.  I thought it was mens.  Oh well... still wearing it.  

OCtotheHeart
OCtotheHeart

You're going to steal the Super Bowl's thunder in your awesome hat. I'm jealous.

Ryan 'Achiote' Hales
Ryan 'Achiote' Hales

I can't decide if I'm more excited about eating myself into a coma or ruthlessly ragging on Madonna during the halftime show.

Adam Metcalf
Adam Metcalf

"Dickhead: What time is iiiiiiiiiiiiiit?!Guy Who Is Tired Because his Kids Are Savages: 1:50? Also...that clock sucks.Dickhead: BEER THIRTFIFTY!"

HAH! I can picture this conversation perfectly. Good stuff, as always, Riley. 

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