3hree Things: Holiday Shopping For THAT DUDE

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Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, in which Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.

You've seen him in Orange County; a forty-something-year-old man, ungracefully dealing with a full-blown midlife crisis, driving a convertible, fake-tanned to a hue between burnt orange and "Snooki," trolling local upscale watering holes and restaurants for women, slathered in nauseating amounts of fancy cologne and outfitted in some of the most godawful fashion disasters known to mankind. 

He's everywhere, or so it seems. You've spotted him, but hopefully you don't know him. But let's imagine for a few moments that you do, and let's pretend -- with the holidays upon us -- you have to shop for him. What would you buy and why would you buy it?

Trust me, you'd buy these 3hree Things. 

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1) Ed Hardy Panther Squadron Rhinestone Polo

Casual garb for the man who wants to feel as comfortable drunkenly ogling every female with blonde hair, a pulse and a vagina at Javier's as he does letting his shaft out and putting his balls in holes on the golf course. Thanks to our oversized, distressed rib-cage print that reads "1 World," when you walk into the room, you let everyone know that you firmly believe in unity. Little do they know the only unification you care about is unifying your genitalia with the woman who allows you to buy her the most drinks. 

Let's be honest, when you're the lead dog, the only view most people get of you is from behind. Let 'em know who they're dealing with: a certified member of the Panther Squadron! Say it loud with our cracked graphic printing and jumbo-sized rhinestone-bedazzled black panther flash art. After all, panthers are male cougars, and squadrons are like really cool army gangs, so when you put the two together you're letting everyone at the bar know that they're about to come face to face with a member of an elite group of bro-mandos armed with a flesh rifle and an insatiable appetite for good times.

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2) True Religion Men's Billy Super QT

Let the ladies know you mean business by swaddling your virile meatpouch in our finest bootcut denim. With a 20-inch leg opening and our signature embroidered stitching, your lower half will scream "I'm a sensible man ... with AN EDGE" as you combine the party time functionality of a bell bottom with the lustiness of a traditional Mariachi trouser. Charm the pants off every warm-blooded female in coastal Orange County and let them know "U" mean business with our trademark embroidered U flap back pockets. 

And last but not least, we've paid impeccable attention to the most important detail of all, an extra large coin-style fly button for that inevitable moment when the ladies learn that the "true" reward is smooshed, impossibly flaccid like a wad of chewed gum in your Super QTs. No fiddling. No fussing. Just an easy-open trapdoor so you can get busy!
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7 comments
Min Lee
Min Lee

How excited are you about the Pujol news? Sorry, not relevant to this blog. Hoping this comment might lead to a blog entry about that topic. 

Edward Mcnaboe
Edward Mcnaboe

Your article is really funny, but please, cut my head off of the polo picture. I don't want readers to associate my face with an Ed Hardy polo. 

annika
annika

im sure with a closed shirt like the one of your choice, he already would look much better. my eyes really do hurt already, eventhough i only quick cheked what you're talking about :P

Brand_ab
Brand_ab

These articles are hilarious! Can't stop laughing.

Courtney Allgood
Courtney Allgood

That dog looks scarily like one of the Seven Dwarves crouching naked. 

LexEngland
LexEngland

I was really hoping you'd reference the dog looking as if he was wiping his balloon knot on the carpet!

Riley
Riley

It's taken care of, Edward. Sorry about that.

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