3hree Things: The Holy Trinity Of Low-End Cologne

Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, where Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.


On a budget? Need to smell good? Having difficulty with the ladies? Have no fear, gentlemen. The holy trinity of low-end colognes is here to save you. Each one of these magical potions has laid their respective methodologies out in a clear and concise manner via their brilliant marketing campaigns over the past several decades. Simply slather yourself in any one of these exquisitely scented toilet waters and you'll be so inundated with females you'll have to beat them off with a stick. (Although they'd probably prefer you use something else.) Become man. Man up. Manhandle and manipulate your manhood manpower and manage your manliness like a man, MAN. Let's take a closer look...
Current Slogan/Marketing Angle: Essence Of Man®. (Click that link, pick your jaw up off the ground, and please continue reading.)

Names That Didn't Make The Cut: Savag, Pour Hobo, Räp.

Old Commercial For This Cologne That Makes Your Scratch Your Head And Vow To Never Wear It:

Famous Spokespeople: Joe Namath (wasted on national TV), Wilt Chamberlain (rumored to have penised ~20,000 women), Elvis (died with his face in a toilet).

Wearing This Cologne Will (Allegedly): Make your girlfriend/wife raid your closet and call you after she's done masturbating.

What This Cologne Supposedly Smells Like: A man.

What This Cologne Actually Smells Like: We squeezed the sweat from an old pair of boxing gloves down your dad's back and through his butt crack (after he got impossibly sweaty while "organizing" the garage for the tenth time this year) and caught it in this three-day-old glass of whiskey, swirled it around and spilled it all over that weird rug in the living room that the cat peed on last Christmas.

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