Fred Durst, Now With Sitcom! (Called Douchebag, Cough Cough)

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According to Rolling Stone, Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst is developing an autobiographical sitcom called Douchebag, news that prompted dozens of show-biz bloggers to declare it the most accurate sitcom title ever.

We may have once agreed with that lame, reflexive joke, but not anymore. In fact, our view of Durst has softened now that he's acknowledged what everyone has told him for so long--that rapping about "breaking stuff" and recording a nü-metal cover of George Michael's "Faith" made him a festering, man-sized douche back in the day (as did his tendency to wear a soul patch and backward baseball cap well into his 30s).

But that's all in the past. We admire Durst for being in on the joke, even belatedly. We only wish some of his peers in the music industry would begin a similar journey to self-acceptance and develop their own vanity TV projects that eschew aspirational themes for honest self-portrayal.

Below are four suggestions.

4. The Real Housewives of Rock & Roll

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Look, it's Meg Ryan! Oops. That's Johnny Rzeznick of the Goo Goo Dolls

In this captivating drama from the creators of Parenthood, Steven Tyler, having recently undergone gender-reassignment surgery, counsels hopeful sex-changer Johnny Rzeznick of the Goo Goo Dolls about the pros and cons of making the final, irrevocable leap from man to woman.

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Dude looks more and more like a lady every day

Expect to see heartwarming scenes of Steven and Johnny shopping for over-the-counter lip-plumping products and cosmetics with the best "jaw-softening" properties. As longtime Tyler fans, we'll be anxious to see how he manages to inject estrogen into his veins without falling off the wagon and seeking out the hard stuff that's landed him in rehab so many times over the years.

3. Hanger-On!

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Smells like good fortune

A half-hour sitcom in which U2 drummer Larry Mullen, Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic (above) and former Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony sit around a poker table, getting shit-faced and talking incredulously about how lucky they were to have joined their respective bands -- bands that gained just about nothing from their input and would have done just fine using faceless, by-the-hour session guys instead. With Flava Flav in a recurring role and a special-guest appearance by Meg White.

2. Dead Horses

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Mick Jagger selecting a Brazilian underwear model to shag

A docudrama in which Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, with their pony-tailed lawyers in tow, meet to discuss the logistics of their next arena tour (brought to you by Coors), their new line of retro "Glitter Twins" T-shirts (available only at Target), and the track listing for a Rolling Stones acoustic live hits DVD (a Best Buy exclusive).

1. County Fair

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Bret Michaels: Like Yoda, but diabetic

In this generation-spanning drama, Bret Michaels acts as a trusted mentor to a new breed of waning rock stars who, like Michaels and his Poison bandmates, are reduced to playing 60-minute concerts at heartland county fairs.

In the first-season opener, the guys from Third Eye Blind and Fuel, facing foreclosure on the house they share in Riverside County, decide to bring in some much-needed cash by staging a joint summer tour.

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Stephan Jenkins: Don't call it a comeback (it's actually a stopgap)

When the tour elicits zero interest from booking agents and the public, Third Eye Blind singer Stephen Jenkins places a Craigslist ad seeking "expert assistance in staging a rock & roll comeback." After sifting through hundreds of derogatory replies from bored unemployed guys, Jenkins comes across a heartfelt and helpful response from none other than Bret Michaels (everyrose@AOL.com).

Following Bret's advice, Jenkins and his pals quickly manage to book 10 weeks of concerts at rib cook-offs, carnivals and county fairs throughout the Great Lakes and mid-south regions.

As the season progresses, Michaels sagely guides his new protégés through the underbelly of summer touring while awakening them to unexpected commercial ventures via VH1 and the Home Shopping Network.

The season ends on a cliffhanger, with Fuel's drummer suffering an allergic gluten reaction to a churro, Third Eye Blind's sound guy contracting chlamydia from a peanut vendor who offers him a "skully," and Jenkins, desperate to regain his late-'90s fame, agreeing to hawk shoddy sunglasses in an infomercial with an increasingly controlling and irritable Michaels.

Will Stephen Jenkins be corrupted by Bret Michaels and sign up for his own reality-TV pilot on VH1? Will the dudes in Fuel cave in to repeat offers of NSA sex from nameless (and toothless) carnie chicks? Stay tuned.

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3 comments
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Thirdeyeblindtherapy
Thirdeyeblindtherapy

If Third Eye Blind cared to put out bubble gum crap to try and re start their 90s fame they would have done an excellent job.... instead they decided to release relevant music to thier legion of devoted followers. So go write an article making fun of Nickleback instead of talented musicians!

Plbenton
Plbenton

Third eye blind is STILL selling out major venues and making new fans and music! This article reads like someone is deperate to write somethinf relevant. Nice try. Maybe next time.

Lande Bring
Lande Bring

Ummmmmm Meg Ryan looks nothing  Johnny Rzeznick . Pretty bad joke. yiko.

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