America to Sting: Cancel the Fall Tour

Categories: Hall of Shame, LOL
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Earlier this week, Sting announced his Back to Bass Tour, a series of intimate performances marking the 25th anniversary of his solo career (a boxed set, Sting: 25 Years, arrives on the 27th).

As long-time Sting detractors, we greeted this news with alarm - another year, another shitstorm of Sting merchandise and nauseating TMI interviews. When will this man go away?

Rather than resort to our usual tactics (scornful columns and whining to our friends), we decided to take decisive action and send Sting's management- the same people who sent us the breathless press release about Back to Bass - a request that Sting cancel the tour and retire instead.

As added inducement, we even offered Sting the remainder of our 401K account, a like-new ColecoVision gaming system, a stack of old Penthouse magazines, and a sincere vow to no longer mock him in writing.

Reps for Sting have yet to respond, but it got us wondering what other people might offer him to go away for good. Drawing on the full resources of Heard Mentality (i.e. our cousin Colin in Woodlawn Heights, NYC and our buddy Clint, currently driving across the U.S.), we cornered random Americans and asked them what they would contribute to our unofficial Stop Sting project.

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Anthony Termini
Age: 47
Location: Arthur Ave, Bronx, NY

What would you offer Sting to cancel his upcoming tour?

"Hey, be nice. I like the guy. I like having him around. He's a comfort to see. I like that song he did 10 years back, the one with the harmonica [Brand New Day]."

Really?

"No, I'm just fucking with you. Sting? Come on! [laughs] Who cares about that guy? I never did. You know, I was into bands like The Ramones and The Dictators. I never paid much attention to guys who gave themselves their own nicknames. And isn't there some wrestler called Sting?"

Yes. But the Ramones used pseudonyms, too.

"Sure they did, but they were like Johnny Ramone and Joey Ramone, like they were all brothers or in the same gang. It was for fun. And there's never been a pro wrestler called The Ramone."

True. So back to the question. What would you offer Sting to pack it in and retire?

"Ah, fuck him, who cares about him. Change the channel and act like he doesn't exist."


Mark Birnie
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Age: 35
Location: Chicago, IL

What would you offer Sting to retire?

"I'd give him my wife's car." (points to car in driveway)

That looks like a pretty new car.

"It is. It's a 2012 Ford Fusion and she loves it."

That must have set you back a few bucks. You'd give that up?

"If it means the next time I turn on the radio, log into I-tunes, or go to a bar with a jukebox, and there's no chance of any new music by Sting, yes. If it meant my wife and I had to share one car for a while, well, fine. Get rid of Sting."

That's very selfless of you.

"Can you make it happen? Or do you just ask strangers hypothetical questions?"

We just ask strangers hypothetical questions about Sting.

"Well maybe you should disappear, too."

Point taken.


Francine Ulrich

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Age: 33
Location: Long Island, NY

What would you offer Sting to retire?

"He'll never retire. The best you can hope to do is to distract him for a few months. Maybe you can give him a new cause to champion."

Like what? He's already spoken on behalf of everything.

"I don't know. Threaten to chop down those trees over there and maybe he'll chain himself to one. Has he done a benefit for global warming yet?"

Yeah, I think he's done a few of those already.

"Then nothing is gonna make him go away, and that's actually fine with me. I think he looks hot with a beard."


Richard Rudd

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Age: 52
Location: Kern County, CA

What would you do or pay to make Sting cancel his tour?

"Why would I give Sting a damn thing?"

To make him go away, to force him into retirement.

"Listen, I like the idea of older men remaining relevant and in the workforce."

Fair enough, but -

"But I see your argument. I mean, Sting is pretty irritating, and he's been around for 30 years, which is long enough to make his point."

What do you think his point is?

"Save the whales, no nukes, is it that sort of thing? Or is he more, you know, contemporary? Rainforests, all of that?"

Yeah.

"His newer music is about rainforests?"

Yeah, and feelings, love, memories, etc.

"Ugh."

So what would you pay to make him stop?

"Not a damn cent. But I could give him a job on my ranch to keep him busy. It's probably the hardest work he'd ever do in his life, and it would keep him out of the public eye."

How long would he last as a ranch hand?

"Not very long, but he'd find it more rewarding than singing Roxanne."

How long, specifically?

"I don't want to disrespect anyone here...two days."

But what if he ends up writing a record about the joys of manual labor? Like, what if he does a concept album about self-discovery through sweating it out in the sun all day? Wouldn't that be your fault?

"I guess it would be. Yes. Then I think your first suggestion, a payout, is the best choice."

How much?

"How am I supposed to put a dollar amount on that? Are you asking me how much he'd be worth if he was getting a severance package from the record industry?"

No. I mean, if money was no object and if you had every means at your disposal, legally of course, to make him go away...

"Oh, I see. Well forget paying him off. I'd just buy him his own little island. Yeah. I'd send him to Pitcairn Island."

Where's that?

"Go online and look it up. [laughs]"

Editor's note: "Pitcairn Island is a volcanic island located in the Southern Pacific Ocean measuring about 2 miles. With only about 50 inhabitants, it is the least populous jurisdiction in the world [and] is accessible only by boat" - Wikipedia

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8 comments
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Pissoff
Pissoff

This is not LOL.  Why was this published?  This article is a good example of us getting closer and closer to Idiocracy each day.  In fact, the publication has gone so horrendously downhill.  It does nothing but spew editorial claptrap and mindless musings disguised as information.

The weekly went to shit after the mass exodus a couple years back.

I don't even like Sting!

Jay
Jay

I under this is suppose to be a humorous article but it's pretty stupid. I think there are other acts out there you should pay attention to have them ago away. At least Sting actually works hard to bring causes to the spotlight. Why not focus on acts who bash women, glorify greed and rape, and advocate violence? Sure, some of Sting's recent music is boring, but I would rather have that on the radio than some crappy track from 50 Cent.

Jay
Jay

understand*

Your Mom
Your Mom

Sting is a respectable musician and he does the world a lot more good by being engaged in the causes you mentioned than you do by writing this low life article. Go creep under your desk and suck your boss's cock. And for all of the stupid comments, you should be glad somebody cares about the environment, because all people can do is fill the thin layer of blue gas with trash and one day we'll all regret it. Morons!

Gordo Lightfleet
Gordo Lightfleet

Your goal is too small. I don't want Sting to retire. I want him to have retired 25 years ago. That way, not only would the insipid music be gone -- there would be no memories. Get your priorities straight, and then come talk to me about financial support.

Isn't his real name Gordon or Pee-wee or something?

Scretch
Scretch

i will donate $100.00 to the go-away cause.

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