3hree Things: Regrettable Childhood Fashion Faux Pas

By Riley Breckenridge Tue., Aug. 16 2011 at 8:48 AM

Watch out for 3hree Things every Tuesday, where Riley Breckenridge, drummer of Orange County's favorite local alt-rock band Thrice, gives his take on life in Southern California as an OC native.

No, the picture above is not a midget hipster photographed in Silverlake yesterday, it's me in Orange County circa 1979. Clearly, the OP tee, Stubbies butthuggers and cowboy boots were neither functional nor fashionable, but I was four years old, and when you're four, "not looking like an idiot" isn't really a thought that crosses your mind as you're getting dressed.

Unfortunately, that thought failed to cross my mind on a few other occasions as I grew up.

I'm no fashion expert, as my closet (and photographic evidence) will attest, but I think there are some articles of clothing that are universally understood to be just downright bad.

Unfortunately, I found a way to convince my parents to not only purchase a few of those articles of clothing, but to actually allow me to leave the house wearing them. We had plenty of mirrors in the house, but you'd never know that, given the following three fashion atrocities that I sported with pride for the better portion of the '80s.

Let's get self-deprecatory!

mamapop.com

Punchability factor: 100 percent (but punching pants would be awfully silly)

1) Zubaz Pants

Did somebody barf up a bag of Skittles on your sweats? Fashion a pair of trousers made of gay zebra pelts? Kill a clown and leave him bloodied and pantsless?

I had no less than four pairs of these disasterpieces, and wore them. Often.

I am of the opinion that most (if not all) items of mens pants with an elastic waistband actually have an elastic waistband so that the wearer of said pants can remove them as quickly and easily as possible after realizing that they're outfitting themselves in something that should never be worn by anyone with the gift of sight.

Apparently these made a tiny resurgence in the late '00s, but as is the case with most hideous fashion retreads, it was less of a "Hey, these are awesome and comfortable!" way, and more of a bullshit ethos like "Hey, look at how risqué I am for wearing something that is wholly impractical and hideous!"

fyasko.com

Punchability factor: 11 percent (because he'd probably kick your ass.)

2) Skidz Overalls

I had a bit of an identity crisis in the '80s. I loved hip-hop, ranging from good (Eric B. & Rakim, Run DMC, and Beastie Boys) to bad (Vanilla Ice, Marky Mark, and 2 Live Crew), and a whole bunch of questionable garbage in between. I had aspirations of being a rapper. I might have thought my skin was several shades darker than pasty white.

In an effort to dress the part, I made my mom drive me down to the Mission Viejo Mall to buy me a pair of Skidz overalls for thirteenth birthday. A far cry from the Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls I'd had as a toddler, or the semi-functional Carhartt or Dickies overalls that a tractor-riding farmer or handy carpenter might wear, these were stonewashed, embroidered with the Skidz "slippery when wet" logo, and often worn with one or both braces down.

If I had a time machine, I might use it to travel back to 1988 to punch myself in the face.

uhyeahdude.com

Punchability factor: 100 percent (There's no such thing as higher than 100 percent, right?)

3) Nike Half Shirt

This was more of an early '80s thing, and I can't recall whether I was actually allowed to leave the house with a bare midriff or if I snuck this out of the house in a backpack and changed into it in the piss-scented bathrooms at Vista Verde K-8.

The bottom line is that I wore something like this. Happily. Yikes.

Fast-forward to 2011. There isn't a single piece of clothing that I could possibly wear at this point that would highlight a more damning part of my anatomy (aside from a t-shirt with a hi-res photo of my butthole on it.)

We've all been through this in some shape or form in a few different generations, and I'd love to hear some of your childhood fashion faux pas in the comments.

Tags:

Nike half shirt, Riley Breckenridge, Riley's 3hree Things, Skidz overalls, Thrice, Zubaz

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Bobby Ping

jncos... (shakes head and hangs it in shame)

Jason McGill

Huuuuuge skater shoes that we didn't tie. Just knotted the ends so the laces wouldn't slip through. And I didn't even skate, very much. And when I did my shoes came off.

Nico Fonti

Riley, if it makes you feel better, when I was 8, I made my mum buy me a red T-shirt which had Garfield (yeah, Garfield, the cat) doing skateboard. And the Skate's wheels wre spitting fire.Obviously I wore it with pride at the time, feeling like I was the coolest kid ever and asking other kids and adults to pay attention to my textile garbage

Dave

I had one similar but it was bugs bunny. Bugs Bunny>Garfield.

Daria

Matching gingham spandex outfit from Gap. I even had the obnoxiously large scrunchie to go with it, with my hair swept into a side ponytail, of course. My mother thought it was a good idea to dress a chubby girl in all stretchy fabrics!

Eric

There were two things for me that I recall although I'm sure there were quite a few. When I was 5, my mom would actually let me walk around in tight bicycle shorts with random neon stripes or other horrible designs down the sides of them. The other was another case of wanting to be like a rapper. I was a huge Kris Kross fan. I don't think I was ever let out of the house with my clothes on backwards, but god knows I tried.

John Kneip

Gigantic Jnco jeans with pockets that were deeper than the actual jeans...and awfully long chains going from my front belt loop to my wallet that was so far down in my deep pocket that I needed the chain to haul it out of there.

Also, one tube sock up, one tube sock down....coulda just been an Ohio thing.

Backwards jeans (thanks Kriss Kross)...so uncomfortable.

Danny

When I was about thirteen (immersed in the beginning and worst part of my identity crisis), I thought it was particularly "fashionable" and "cool" to wear pants that were clearly tailored for a person just about twice my size. At the same time, I also believed that it would be a healthy supplement to my "coolness" to place my waistline about three quarters of the way down my ass while wearing said pants. Looking back, I am completely astounded I was never "pantsed" by the forces of gravity, though I actually was by a girl that I would come to like very much years later.

Kevin!

Somewhere around 95-96, when I was in elementary school, a new style of jeans became popular for a very short time. Or so I thought they were popular... Baggy baggy jeans with a colored, reflective stripe going down the outside of both pant legs. I vividly rememberr the pair I owned.. They were dark blue with a neon green/white stripe going down both sides. I wore them real low, to the point that the bottoms were frayed from being dragged way under my shoes.

PS- you killed it at the Yost on Saturday! Can't wait for Major/Minor and HOB Anaheim in November!