Facebook Woes, Or How Hipsters are Ruining the Internet

Categories: hipster shit
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Various online media outlets have been reporting Facebook is experiencing a numbers slump. Sky news writes approximately 6 million North American users deleted their accounts in May, in addition to 100,000 British users. This is a drop in the bucket when considering Facebook reportedly has roughly 600 million users, but after reading about Justin Timberlake's involvement with efforts to purchase former social network juggernaut  Myspace from News Corp., it got me wondering about what social media was originally intended for and why it's popularity can be represented with the see-sawing graphics of a bar chart.

Remember Friendster? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm told it was mighty popular at one point. It was quickly eclipsed  by Myspace until Mark Zuckerberg got into the social network racket by duping his college peers. Like rats from sinking ships, users migrated from one site to the next with stopwatch predictability. But why?  Don't  all these sites do the same thing (i.e., allow us to cyberstalk our friends and co-workers)? The only cause I can point at for these unexplained  diasporas is due to the invisible hand of the hipster culture.

Yes, those mustachio wearing, fixed-gear riding, Panda Bear-appreciating douchebags whose self-righteous musings are rivaled only by Grateful Dead fans. I would argue it's the hipsters' unwavering desperation to look cool that has led to the rise and fall of various social networks. More after the jump. In the days of Myspace, a hipster had to select the proper background color, filigree and layout for his homepage if he was going to make the cut and gain at least 300 friends. His blogs had to be elaborately worded, yet vaguely insightful so that his friends felt stupid while reading them. This imbued the hipster with a sense of superiority, which he sorely craved.

And those profile pics? We all know the amount of effort  put into shooting and picking the proper requires vasts amounts of effort--like taking a nude self-portrait on the streets of Long Beach and posing next to two homeless crack heads. (You know who you are.)

But your average hipster, like the sewer rat, is a fickle, greasy creature who bores easily and is always in search of  a new shiny object to play with before the rest of the hoard. Myspace didn't do itself any favors by becoming so bloated with design options it slowed the fastest of computers inadvertently taking people back to the age of dial-up modems (hmmm...time for a new hipster trend?) As a result, people hopped on the Facebook wagon and have been updating their statuses ever since.

So in the absence of browser-crashing slowness, why are hipsters growing bored with the social network they have in front of them? Facebook is as good  as it ever was at bringing people together. In real time, I am notified that that cute girl with the Dan Auerbach obsession prefers Kindles to Knooks--and prefers both to actual books. I love knowing that a casual acquaintance  just checked in at the fixed-gear bicycle marathon in north county, or that PBRs are only a dollar at some really sweet dive in La Habra that I wouldn't take a hooker to.

  Ultimately the ebb and flow of the social network universe may come down to motivation.  Actually doing these things  in the realm of reality takes effort.  There comes a moment when the hipster must decide whether to have fun doing a thing, or look cool doing a thing.   As we all know, hipsters are a lazy bunch, and multitasking can become a grind.

  Of course it's also possible the luster of cool promised by the technology of Facebook  has grown trite in its popularity with normies, thereby making it less attractive to their refined sense of cool. Perhaps the only thing strong enough to motivate lethargic hipsters out of their perma- state of affectless cool is the promise of a new trend. The question is will they quest for  the next big thing will  stop using social networking sites altogether?

 

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13 comments
New York City Hotel
New York City Hotel

But the normal hipster, as the sewage rat, is irritable, fat being, who is quickly tired and always looking for new bright item to perform with before the relax of this tax.

gametruthordare
gametruthordare

However, the average hipster, like sewer rat, isMoody, being fat is easily bored and always lookingshiny new object to play before the rest of this tax.erotic game

Smith
Smith

I don't really know who you are, or how I found your website, but who ever you work for should probably fire you. Any ration-able adult wouldn't have the knee jerk response of blaming Facebook decline on the shakily defined culture of hipsters. It's every day Facebook users getting tired of the service, and, as another commenter stated, duplicate or spam accounts cluttering their user base. Almost all of my own friends use Facebook more out of necessity than of their own volition. Plently of people think Facebook is ruining the internet. It's plain to see why people delete their accounts. And on that, you make no real effort to explain why "Hipsters are Ruining the Internet", other than tired jokes reused from hipsterrunoff.com, or the likes of the videos you link to your articles to validate your tired schtick. At the end of the article I'm just thinking, "So what? Why is the internet worse for off?" And really, why are they ruining "Your" internet, Brandon? It sounds to me like you're angry at hipsters because, frankly, they're ruining everything you like, so you can't like it anymore. You sound like a hipster Brandon (I'm sure you remember that joke from Look at This Fucking Hipster, which I'm absolutely positive you've visited after reading your omage, or, sorry, article). And for what, is this a joke? It doesn't read like a joke, it doesn't read like a comedy article, it reads like a self righteous teenager complaining about something stupid, a Facebook, or MySpace, and a barely defined subculture of other teenagers, Hipsters, or Emo and Scene kids, for no defined reason. It reads like one of those elaborately worded, yet vaguely insightful hipster blogs you talked about. Except you let me down in both the former and latter.

What I'm trying to say is you'd be perfect for Pitchfork.

Dianne Heath
Dianne Heath

I think this ADD mindset and following with the crowd applies to everyone. Not just hipsters.

Jewels8181
Jewels8181

 wtf is a hipster? is that a yuppie? and is a dickhead both of them?  what am i? what are you? i don't understand these compartmentalised titles but i know they exist. your article had the eerily ring of  jello biafra's ranting  voice.

BrandiKaup
BrandiKaup

A sizable chunk of the deleted Facebook accounts were surely the numerous, fake, DUPLICATE accounts that had been set up for the sole purpose of helping folks achieve goals in their Facebook social games, like PackRat and FarmVille.  Once Facebook started cracking down on its (the possessive form of its has no apostrophe BTW) rule of "one profile per person, period," the dupes had to be deleted.  So these numbers may actually be meaningless.  Just thought I'd put that out there.

Generic Viagra
Generic Viagra

But the average hipster, as the sewer rat, ismoody, fat creature, who is easily bored and always looking fornew shiny object to play with before the rest of this tax. KamagraKamagra

Jon
Jon

Kind of a dumb article....no offense

Anon
Anon

You are a fucking idiot.

Elias Shams
Elias Shams

This is awesome!!! The more social networking sites likeGoogle+ and the new myspace popping up, the better for my new gig, awesomize.me J Social media is here to stay for good.Given vast variety of the existing channels to choose and stick with, it’s timefor such a hot space to enter into a new category.Here is my 2centson this whole internet -> search Engine -> Social media things and myrational on why there is a need for a portal to provide a quick and intelligentdecision for both the consumer and the companies about their onlineconnections. A Platform to Help us to Distinguish Our Quality vs. QuantityFriends, Fans, Followers, and Companies:- Early 90s:WWW was born…

- Mid - late90s: Yahoo & Google were born to help us to find the right pages on theWWW…

- Early 2000:Social media was born…

- Late 2000: Thereare now millions of pages created by people, companies, and organizations on all these social media channels.

- 2011: We areback to early 90’sThat is why Ibuilt awesomize.me to accomplish such a mission - the portal to all yourexisting social media channels.EliasCEO &Founderhttp://awesomize.me

Ocelotl
Ocelotl

Fuck hipsters in the ear.

TaylorHamby
TaylorHamby

But your average hipster, like the sewer rat, is afickle, greasy creature who bores easily and is always in search of  anew shiny object to play with before the rest of the hoard.

bahahhahahaha

Jewels8181
Jewels8181

i would fuck one in the ear if i knew what one was for christsake.

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