Five Pop Stars More Deserving of Abduction than Joss Stone

Categories: LOL, Ryan Weyls
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Two men were arrested in England this week for trying to abduct the soul singer Joss Stone. Making the case stranger, the suspects reportedly had in their possession a Samurai sword and written plans to kill Stone and dump her into a river.

Call us a bunch of softies, but we're perplexed that anyone, even a pair of career criminals, would want to kill Joss Stone. Of all the pop singers out there, Stone, 24, is one of the few who can genuinely sing. She also has an appreciation for music made before her 15th birthday (she has covered the Stones and recorded with Jeff Beck).

Should Stone's would-be slayers ever make it out of the pen, we present a list of five other pop stars that are far more deserving of the whole violent abduction treatment. 5. Selena Gomez

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We have nothing personal against Gomez, a Disney star and future pitchwoman for Proactiv.

We only suggest Gomez as a target because she won't put up much of a fight. Thanks to her probable diet of Jelly Bellies and Vitamin Water, Gomez was hospitalized this week with malnourishment, which we suspect is publicist-speak for "eating disorder."

Potential abductors can therefore be assured that Gomez won't scratch out their eyes, let alone have the strength to scream for help at an audible volume.

Bonus: We're certain that anxious Disney execs will cough up at least a million bucks for Gomez' safe return--unless some other stage parent happens to close a deal with Satan beforehand and puts their child in Gomez' place.

Act fast, young felons.

4. Ke$ha

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Including this Orca-hipped and freckled lip syncher with a redneck past is so easy and obvious that we almost feel ashamed of ourselves. But omitting her from the list would amount to a negligence that even we can't stomach.

Why Ke$ha?

Public support would be so immense for Ke$ha's disappearance that her abductors could be assured of swift Not Guilty verdicts. In fact, they could even rely on a nationwide network of safe houses if they go on the lam.

That's because Ke$ha is possibly the most hated pop singer of the 21st century, if not the last 50 years. To get an idea of the distaste she inspires, we did an informal poll at a couple of San Bernardino dive bars last night.

Astoundingly, we learned that Ke$ha is more despised than Nickelback fronted by Vanilla Ice; more loathed than Chris Daughtry, Scott Stapp, and Hoobastank combined; and reviled even more than Bret Michaels, the guy from Staind, and anyone that Sean Combs has ever slept with, er, discovered, on one of his reality shows.

The only drawback to a Ke$ha abduction would be finding someone willing to pay her ransom. For example, we anticipate that her record company would only shell out around five thousand bucks to get her back (i.e., the going rate for one of those high-end, lifelike robots so popular in Japan).

3. Nicki Minaj

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The R&B world's feeble attempt to manufacture its own Lady Gaga, this insolent, personified pout tries to obscure her C-plus vocals and absentee stage presence with garish costumes and gratuitous exposure of her enormous ass.

Yeah, yeah, we all know how an ass the width of a refrigerator box is supposed to be sexy these days, or a refreshing antidote to all those reedy little brats from Victoria's Secret. But sometimes, a big ass is just a big ass. Take away all of her derivative songs and Halloween make-up, and Nicki Minaj is little more than a big ass. Now, someone, please get it out of our sight.

(Editor's note: Odds are huge that some genius will post the following comment: "Hey buddy, maybe YOU'RE the big ass!")

2. Justin Bieber

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The media says there's no way to stop Bieber mania. None! It can't be stopped!

We just found a way. A permanent way.

1. Vanessa Hudgens

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We're fed up with all these rapidly sagging teen idols trying to scrounge up publicity with graceless nudie pics and faux-lesbian make-out sessions, as this High School Musical actress has done in the last few years.

At least in the olden days, expired child stars took the honorable path out of public life by overdosing on speedballs, robbing convenience stores or, god forbid, educating themselves and becoming productive citizens.

Since this 21st century Annette Funicello clearly lacks the brains to recognize that her time is up, we see only two options for her:

1. Sex video with Vern "Mini Me" Troyer and Vinnie from Jersey Shore

2. Disappear - preferably, by getting into the van with the guy in the leather trench coat. That's right, the guy with the pantyhose pulled over his face. He's actually very nice.

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9 comments
Rudypeev
Rudypeev

Apparently the author is out on a day pass from his group home.

Bob Obb
Bob Obb

What the fuck's up with Kesha's body? Jesus Christ

Casey Doss
Casey Doss

hoobastank is a good band who ever wrote this is in need of fists

Tonk
Tonk

I would rather see the author suffer than this lot..even biber

guest
guest

I like niki minaj's big ass.

FishWithoutBicycle
FishWithoutBicycle

Young women (and men) are abducted every day all over the world! NOT Funny!

Tbplayer
Tbplayer

Dumb article.  On many levels. 

Codei
Codei

Go get your tuberculosis cleared up and stop making retarded posts.

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