The Best of Riley's 3hree Things: He's BACK!
3. The Top Three Singles on iTunes And How Old And Out Of Touch They Make Me Feel -Riley lists three songs he just doesn't get. Read the highlights of his discourse:
1) Ke$ha, "We R Who We R" - 6,326,213 views - The only things I know about Ke$ha are that typing the dollar sign in her name is maddening (and highly unnecessary), and that she looks like she probably smells like a dead stripper farting into a hobo's armpit.
2) Willow, "Whip My Hair" - 10,359,996 views - Will and Jada Smith's daughter says "I whip my hair back and forth" SIXTY-SIX TIMES in three minutes and forty-five seconds. You know what needs to happen 66 times in three minutes and forty-five seconds? NOTHING. AT ALL. EVER. Even the best things, like orgasms and bacon and laughter and all other sorts of amazing and fun stuff don't need to happen that many times in that short of a time span.
2. Concert-Goers That I Could Happily Do Without - Riley lists concert goers he hates. Here's an excerpt:
3) Far East Movement, "Like a G6" - 14,236,222 views Granted, I know that as a 35-year-old white male, I'm the polar opposite of the target demographic for this kind of music, but I feel like I should have the ability to at least process what I'm hearing and understand its appeal to the people that have watched the video 14 million+ times. I just can't. I don't get it. At all.
If I'm in the bathroom, it's to take care of business, not talk about the creativity (or lack thereof) of the opening band. The only "shooting-of-the-shit" I want to do in a bathroom is in a purely literal sense, and in that case, at least I'd have the protection of a stall wall to keep me from being verbally assaulted by a stranger.
Bottom line: The only people I want to talk to when I have my penis in my hand are my girlfriend, and perhaps a physician of some sort. (Note: Not at the same time.) Let's save the small talk for when we have our flies zipped and our pants buttoned, folks.
1. On Halloween (Plus: Thrice's Best Halloween Costumes!) - Here's a really interesting look at how rock stars really celebrate holidays. (Goofy ones, anyway).