Ten Shocking Revelations from Kenny Rogers' Memoirs

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Country music star, TV movie mainstay and lifelong beard farmer Kenny Rogers announced that he's releasing his memoirs this fall. Having scored an advanced copy of "The Gambler" singer's book, we present ten of its most shocking revelations.

10. He's never had plastic surgery

Most of us assume that Kenny's face - which resembles a Mr. Potato Head spray-painted pink and outfitted with gleaming porcelain choppers - is the end result of multiple face lifts, chemical peels, and cheek implants. That's not true; that's actually the face Kenny was born with.

During a freak accident while filming a 1974 NBC-TV Halloween special, Kenny was doused with chemicals that fused his werewolf costume's mask permanently to his skull. Not until advanced surgical procedures were available in 2004 could the shaggy Halloween mask be removed and Kenny's real face revealed.

9. He's Bi

Rogers has been married five times, and not because he's yet another fickle rich guy who trades in wives every couple years. Most of his divorces occurred due to Kenny's insatiable appetite for the kind of men's-only spas reportedly frequented by John Travolta.

8. He pees his pants onstage at least twice a year

And rather than exit the stage briefly to change into a fresh pair of undies, Rogers maliciously stinks up the gold circle seats until the first intermission.

7. He's involved in the slave trade

Is it a coincidence that Kenny's fast food chain has almost all of its franchises located in Malaysia and the Philippines, two hot spots for human trafficking?

No, it's not. When not singing Islands in the Stream at casinos, Kenny oversees a bustling network that smuggles foreign ladies into US brothels and peep shows. And he's proud of it.

6. He compulsively checks his IMDB profile

For the last decade, Internet trolls who leave snarky messages on Kenny's IMDB board have noticed a strange trend -- within seconds of mocking Kenny, a user nicknamed "K-Rock1938" flags the comment as "obscene/offensive" then posts a 3,000 word diatribe extoling the merits of all things Kenny Rogers.

5. He's covered in tattoos

And not just any tattoos. Thanks to his participation in global organized crime (see #7), Kenny's torso is inked up with the distinct body art of Japan's mafia, the Yakuza.

4. He was pregnant once

Kenny was born with a uterus and fully functioning male and female genitalia, both of which he enjoyed using well into his 40s. After missing his period after a drunken 1984 hook-up with Val Kilmer, Kenny underwent a complete hysterectomy and settled on his male identity once and for all.

3. He's battled bulimia

And he was molested by a babysitter, he was hooked on heroin, he hates his mother, and -- oops. We were talking about a memoir by some Reality TV lowlife. Sorry, Kenny.

2. He loves "Jersey Shore"

Along with his Yakuza tats, he has "Guido Forever" inked across his right forearm.

1. He has a huge fan base in the Netherlands and Germany

This is actually true (in case you're a little slow, the rest of this article is not).


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9 comments
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kushibo
kushibo

I've eaten at the Roasters in downtown Seoul. Most South Koreans have no idea who he is, except some vague notion that he may be the Colonel's younger brother.

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zhenglishu
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Blue Veiner
Blue Veiner

Why waste our time with this lame burlesque. Kenny Rogers has probably given the high hard one to some famous ladies -- that I'd like to know about.

Bill Frompson
Bill Frompson

Do you recall that SNL bit called "Eye on Chest Hair" with a special "performance" by Kenny? (sorta)

another internet asshole
another internet asshole

Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurants serve exactly the same fare as Boston Market----they just slap his name on em. I ate there in Seoul and Dubai. Funny article!!

DoctorWho
DoctorWho

Kenny Rogers born with a vagina? Hahaha. Nice one.

red veiner
red veiner

yeah, he's given "the high hard one" to crystal gayle, linda carter...fascinating. great comment, dipshit.

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