Five Suspects in the Rebecca Black Death Threat Case
We're not sure what's more pathetic--threatening an 8th grader, or a detective having to waste time hunting down anyone who takes Black seriously enough to send her scary emails.
Until the cops bring the perp to justice, we humbly seek to aid the investigation by suggesting the following suspects.
5. Billy Ray Cyrus
As another one-hit wonder, Mr. Achy Breaky Heart gained his moment of infamy by playing in thousands of urine-soaked honkytonks for over a decade and growing the most unreasonably crass mullet in mullet history.
This could make Billy Ray violently jealous of Black, who breezily gained her waning infamy by standing on a car and lip synching a song that her mom and dad paid some cheesy music producer to write.
We also suspect that Billy Ray is trying to woo back his daughter Miley, who has publicly ridiculed Black.
Billy Ray even has a documented history of bizarre behaviors, like publicly talking about his daughter's so-called drug problem and claiming, incredulously, that he was a good friend of Kurt Cobain's.
Frankly, we put nothing past the guy. Why else would super creep David Lynch cast him as a creep in Mulholland Drive?
Because Billy Ray Cyrus really is a creep, and someone in Anaheim needs to get a search warrant for his hard drive, right away.4. The guys who killed Tupac, Biggie and Jam Master Jay
Regretful that they robbed the world of actual talent, the unknown slayers of three of hip-hop's finest have joined forces to make amends by eliminating the auto-tuned nitwits of today's pop music scene.
Although we admire their intent, we believe these faceless killers picked the wrong target for elimination. Instead of Black, a harmless kid who had no idea she'd cause such a shit storm, may we suggest a more deserving target for harassment?