Five Suspects in the Rebecca Black Death Threat Case

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As reported yesterday, YouTube pestilence and "Friday" singer Rebecca Black received death threats in March, leading to an ongoing investigation by the Anaheim PD.

We're not sure what's more pathetic--threatening an 8th grader, or a detective having to waste time hunting down anyone who takes Black seriously enough to send her scary emails.

Until the cops bring the perp to justice, we humbly seek to aid the investigation by suggesting the following suspects.

5. Billy Ray Cyrus

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As another one-hit wonder, Mr. Achy Breaky Heart gained his moment of infamy by playing in thousands of urine-soaked honkytonks for over a decade and growing the most unreasonably crass mullet in mullet history.

This could make Billy Ray violently jealous of Black, who breezily gained her waning infamy by standing on a car and lip synching a song that her mom and dad paid some cheesy music producer to write.

We also suspect that Billy Ray is trying to woo back his daughter Miley, who has publicly ridiculed Black.

Billy Ray even has a documented history of bizarre behaviors, like publicly talking about his daughter's so-called drug problem and claiming, incredulously, that he was a good friend of Kurt Cobain's.

Frankly, we put nothing past the guy. Why else would super creep David Lynch cast him as a creep in Mulholland Drive?

Because Billy Ray Cyrus really is a creep, and someone in Anaheim needs to get a search warrant for his hard drive, right away.

4. The guys who killed Tupac, Biggie and Jam Master Jay

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Regretful that they robbed the world of actual talent, the unknown slayers of three of hip-hop's finest have joined forces to make amends by eliminating the auto-tuned nitwits of today's pop music scene.

Although we admire their intent, we believe these faceless killers picked the wrong target for elimination. Instead of Black, a harmless kid who had no idea she'd cause such a shit storm, may we suggest a more deserving target for harassment?


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7 comments
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Bill Frompson
Bill Frompson

I appreciate the inclusion of the victim as suspect. This has a Kerrigan-like echo- make it stop.

Jonaspinas
Jonaspinas

Selena Gomez is should also be included as as a suspect because Rebecca Black is after Justine Beiber.

Justin BiebSHIT
Justin BiebSHIT

It's the Biebtards making the death threats. They always give death threats to Bieber's rivals or anyone threatening his equally cooked up FAKE fame. First, Biebtards gave death threats to Kim Kardashian, second to Selena Gomez, third to Esperanza Scalding who beat Bieber on Grammy's, and now Rebecca Black because she was reported taking over Bieber's Youtube crown (including being the Most Hated Celeb and Most Disliked Video), also Rebecca Black's song has been selling faster than Bieber in Itunes for several weeks.

So it's obvious who are making the death threats - The BIEBTARDS!!!

DangerWoman
DangerWoman

I think that John Hinkley Junior should scare some disabaphobic bullies straight and make them suffer for the way my disabled brethern suffered in the Disabled Prisoner of Conscience Facilities, aka The Mental Hospital!

DANGER WOMAN

zoe
zoe

I know this is not a serious article but they might be right about Billy Ray Cyrus.

Clawy
Clawy

Billy Zane...fucking classic!

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