Five Music Biopics We'd Like To See

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Over the last decade, Hollywood has pumped out an increasing number of music biopics, treating us to everything from enjoyable theatrical hits (8 Mile) to wobbly, tear-jerking cable duds (Take Me Home: The John Denver Story).

With Jeff Buckley, Sam Cooke and Clash movies in the works and rumors of an Ozzy Osbourne movie lighting up the Internet, we present a list of music biopics we prefer they'd make instead.

5. To Hell With the Devil: The Story of Stryper

Stryper, perhaps the world's first and only Christian glam metal band, astonished everyone between 1986 and 1988 by scoring heavy MTV rotation and a pair of platinum records. If fleeting chart success alone does not qualify them for a movie, the band's embrace of humdrum clean living during the last period of great American hedonism certainly does.

Instead of snorting mountains of cocaine, covering themselves in biker tattoos, and setting entire small towns on fire (like any halfway reputable `80s metal band), the Stryper film would depict its heroes vacuuming their tour bus, leading Bible study sessions for their nerd fans, and making anonymous phone calls to MTV to complain about the satanic imagery in Motley Crue videos.

Our slightly fictionalized scenario would come to an end in 1989. Prior to starting a world tour with RATT, the Stryper guys would meet with that band's lead singer, Stephen Pearcy, and attempt to exorcise from him the demons of sexuality and sloth. Pearcy, unfazed, would single-handedly kick all four of their asses and fire them from the tour, banishing them to the Christian rock underground from which they crawled.

4. Some Kind of Monster II: Jason Returns

Eight years after leaving Metallica in disgust, bassist Jason Newsted visits his former band apparently seeking to make amends. Once granted entry to the practice space, Newsted slips on a pair of brass knuckles and gives drummer Lars Ulrich the sustained and merciless beating that he deserves. After pounding Ulrich's hands into bloody stumps that will never grasp a pair of drumsticks again, Newsted paralyzes singer James Hetfield with a Taser and then yanks out his goatee, hair by hair.

Current bassist Robert Trujillo, pulling double duty as bodyguard, tries to subdue Newsted, but Jason promptly strikes him dead with a karate chop to the throat. As ineffectual guitarist Kirk Hammett begs for his life, Newsted drags a razor blade across Hammett's throat and plays air bass solos as his former colleague bleeds out on the floor.

Newsted is charged with four counts of first-degree murder but catches a lucky break when Dave Mustaine ends up as jury foreman, persuading the other jurors to rule the killings justified, since they were the only way to prevent Metallica from releasing a follow-up to 2008's Death Magnetic.



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1 comments
Pfft.
Pfft.

The Metallica one is stupid. Everything else is ok.

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