Boob War 2011: The Oscar Special Edition (Cleavage Pics After the Jump)

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Have you ever wondered why the Academy Awards are held in late February? It stems from an agreement between the Vatican and the motion-picture industry that allows Hollywood, from November through February, to gorge on cleavage like bed bugs on a hemophiliac, so long as the entirety of Tinseltown gives up its boob thirst for Lent. 

True story. Pope Pius XII and Howard Hughes brokered the agreement--the aptly named Jane Russell Accord--in 1946 as a way to bring an end to the feuding between the Mar Vista Sect of the Frozen Sarcophagi and the Clenched Sphincter of the White Flame.

The peace between the factions has held, but each year at this time, a vicious melee in the never-ending Boob War breaks out, Quickening-style. Thankfully, there doesn't have to be only one, and I've chosen the five princesses of the Oscar universe for 2011, as well as five urchins. So check out who made the cut after the jump . . . before I start making any more strained Highlander references.
THE BEST

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1. Jennifer Lawrence: On the plus side, Jennifer channels her inner ScarJo better than, well, ScarJo (see below). However, if she wants to keep it classy while looking like that, she needs to quit starring in movies with titles such as Winter's Bone and The Beaver.

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2. Mila Kunis: This perky little look makes me wonder if that really was a topless picture of Mila in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Or if I've been duped by Photoshop. Yet again.

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3. Natalie Portman: I admit, there's no way to compliment Natalie's mommy-to-be breasts without sounding creepy. . . . 

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4. Penelope Cruz: . . . So I'll compliment Penelope's mommy-already breasts. Nothing creepy about that.

5. Oprah: OH, MY GOD! OPRAH'S GOT BANKSY IN THERE!

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6 comments
Dwayne
Dwayne

How is Scarlett ever on a "Not the best" boob list?

Really?
Really?

Oprah's got quite a set there.I know you men never tire of seeing boobs. And even I (a mostly straight woman) can appreciate a nice pair of ta tas (fake and real). Let's face it boobs are pretty to look at. I wish had more of them (but I sure as shit ain't going to pay $5000. to get bigger ones).Yesterday, while I was in the illustrious 99cents store on Harbor Boulevard in Costa Mesa (Tweaker Central), I happened across a 55+ year old woman looking at the g-strings (yes they sell panties there...I've bought them). Anyway she looked like she had been around the block a few thousand times the hard way. I didn't make eye contact because she also looked like she might be packing a knife. However, what struck me was the perfectly round big fake titties that she had pouring out of her low cut polyester halter top. I was enthralled by them. I just wanted to touch them. Not in a sexual way but in a way that says "Gee, your face says 55 years old but your boobs say 25 years old...what does that feel like?". Of course I didn't and I went on my way. But here was a woman with probably $5000. tits ($3000. if she had them done in Tijuana) looking at cheap ass 99cent undies in Tweaker Central. See, I know why I'm at the 99cents store - I've been out of work for 3 months and no job in sight. I couldn't help but wonder if she was there because she spent all her money on her boobs.Anyway, that place is a great place to go into stoned and people watch.

Joe
Joe

This is my favorite comment. I want it to go to the comments sections of other sites and make comment babies with them so the Internet is filled with cool comments like this.

And you'd like more boobs? Like the three-breasted prostitute from "Total Recall"?

fejimanz
fejimanz

In regards to Mila in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, i believe that the people behind that movie did in fact state that it is not Mila's boobs, and they used computers and a "boob stand in" to create that picture...

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