Have you ever wondered why the Academy Awards are held in late February? It stems from an agreement between the Vatican and the motion-picture industry that allows Hollywood, from November through February, to gorge on cleavage like bed bugs on a hemophiliac, so long as the entirety of Tinseltown gives up its boob thirst for Lent.
True story. Pope Pius XII and Howard Hughes brokered the agreement--the aptly named Jane Russell
Accord--in 1946 as a way to bring an end to the feuding between the Mar Vista Sect of the Frozen Sarcophagi and the Clenched Sphincter of the White Flame.
The peace between the factions has held, but each year at this time, a vicious melee in the never-ending Boob War breaks out, Quickening
-style. Thankfully, there doesn't have to be only one, and I've chosen the five princesses of the Oscar universe for 2011, as well as five urchins. So check out who made the cut after the jump . . . before I start making any more strained Highlander
1. Jennifer Lawrence:
On the plus side, Jennifer channels her inner ScarJo
better than, well, ScarJo (see below). However, if she wants to keep it classy while looking like that, she needs to quit starring in movies with titles such as Winter's Bone
and The Beaver
2. Mila Kunis:
This perky little look makes me wonder if that really was a topless picture of Mila in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
. Or if I've been duped by Photoshop. Yet again.
3. Natalie Portman:
I admit, there's no way to compliment Natalie's mommy-to-be breasts without sounding creepy. . . .
4. Penelope Cruz:
. . . So I'll compliment Penelope's mommy-already breasts. Nothing creepy about that.
5. Oprah: OH, MY GOD! OPRAH'S GOT BANKSY IN THERE!