P. Diddy Needs Help

"I'm a celebrity hip-hop media mogul. Seriously."

And he's placed an ad on Media Bistro's joblistings site.

Read the ad after the jump, with my translations of classified adspeak in brackets. Can I hate the playa and the game? I think so.

Personal Assistant to Celebrity [True celebrities don't refer to themselves thus.]
Publication or Company ''Hip-hop media mogul'' [Corny as hell. Sounds like something Kanye would say.]
Industry Public Relations, Television
Salary Negotiable [You will accept what we offer and be grateful, scrub.]
Job Duration Full Time [You will be at Diddy's beck and call 24/7—and absolutely no whining will be tolerated.]
Job Location Los Angeles, CA USA
Job Requirements Prominent Celebrity Hip-Hop Mogul Seeking Personal Assistant.

Prominent celebrity hip-hop mogul is seeking a top-notch, professional [You'll do whatever Diddy says.] and outgoing [You'll put out willingly, or be shown the door.] Personal Assistant to coordinate business, social and personal affairs. [You may receive a gratis BlackBerry! Sweet!] This role involves handling business. [Boring shit Diddy can't be bothered to deal with.] and personal tasks [You will become intimate with Diddy's laundry. And how are your fellatio skills?] It is imperative that the Assistant has the sophistication to communicate effectively with people at all levels of management and handle highly confidential matters. [Leave the Ebonics for your homies.] Due to busy schedule, the Assistant [Grammatical faux pas here. Just sayin'.] needs to be accessible on weekends and evenings to handle ongoing activities. [You never know when you'll receive a booty call.] Other details will be explained upon employment. [Jesus, that sounds ominous.]

Qualifications/Requirements
Applicants must be 21 or older. [Regrettably, no jailbait need apply. Holla when you're legal.]
Must have a "whatever it takes" attitude. [Scruples? We don't need your stinkin' scruples.]
You'll need a big personality to stand out amongst the other candidates. [Must be a C cup or larger.]
Be available and on-call 24/7. [Diddy works in mysterious ways.]
Contact Brendon Blincoe
Email Address assistant@WorkForPDiddy.com
Address Los Angeles, CA USA
Special Instructions Please respond via email to: ''NO PHONE CALLS''
assistant@workforpdiddy.com

Include the following:
* A cover letter explaining who you are and why you would be perfect for this position. [Doggy style or missionary? Why so coy?]
* Your updated resume [Like someone would send an outdated resume?]
* A recent photo of yourself for our files [Fugly bitches need not apply.]